So many times during my session with couples there is a moment of loss of connection and all of a sudden the part of our brain that monitors threats, the amygdala, goes into action in a split second (1/1600th of a second, to be exact). Whenever we have such a threat response our partner becomes “the enemy” and we no longer experience them as our haven of safety who understands us and loves us. The Real Enemy is this threat cycle itself that takes away our freedom to choose. Our biology is such that when the amygdala takes over our focus is only on the threat and our reasoning/thinking brain (the prefrontal cortex) is pretty much offline. We struggle to reflect and remember the soft, tender, connecting moments we have previously experienced with each other. The one thing we must learn in therapy is to not be trapped in this cycle of despair. Your partner is not the Real Enemy, the threat cycle is. Stop coming after or withdrawing from your partner, come together right now like the song says. This coming together will calm your biology and take your amygdala offline so that your narrow focus is broadened and you once again can remember how safe your partner can be.
