https://donsizemore.org/uncategorized/when-divorce-is-not-the-only-option/ Counseling that makes a difference Sun, 09 Apr 2017 13:31:40 +0000 hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9.4 https://donsizemore.org/uncategorized/when-divorce-is-not-the-only-option/#comment-48 Sun, 09 Apr 2017 13:31:40 +0000 https://donsizemore.org/?p=509#comment-48 This sounds so familiar. Though neither of us have other relationships on the side, after believing that our marriage was normal and things were ok my husband says he doesn't want a divorce but doesn't see any other way. He has disconnected from me and has built a wall around his heart. I believe he's afrid of being hurt. Here's how I hurt him. LAst year I was quite depressed, somewhat lonely and a little bored. But we still had a relationship. He asked me for help with the house work but I always felt too tired or I'd get to it later. I had no idea that it was affecting him emotionally. I figured it was annoying him (which should have been enough) but it starts to feel like nagging. Like it's my stuff, I'll take care of it. Id make dinner every night he'd clean up...but I realize now I'd sit on the couch while he ate that the table. Looking back I can see where some disconnect was but I never changed my feelings for my husband. He kissed me goodbye and good morning so i saw nothing to give me a clue hehdidn't love me. He evensaid "I love you". Christmas right before I had weight loss surgery he told me how proud he was of me. January through MArch was recovery, I started a new job with crazy hours that my body wasn't used to but I also couldn't concentrate on eating right. Now NOW when my schedule is normal, I feel more energy almost 50 pounds lighter NOW he says he's disconnecte and pessimistic about finding that connection. He asks for space I said ok, but being unsure, insecure & scared I keep pushing. I need to stop that. I asked about counseling...he says no. But I think there are deeper things in him similar to MR. Stirling...he's been let down and doesn't wasnt to be let down again. Our lines of communication have opened. We've even had 2 night s of really great sex. One where we stayed naked for HOURS talking where I thought we reached an agreement to work on things. But by the next day he's right back to zero. I don't believe we are at an end. I do believe we can reconnect. I love him with every ounce of my being adn feel nothing but regret that I didn't see his pain...i had no idea he was falling out of love. He doesn't hate me. He's not kicking me out but feels like roommates. I don't know how to get passed roommate without intimacy but don't want to force it. I need him to trust me that I will never hurt him. I had no intention and had I known I would've found a way even if it meant bringing a friend over to helpme with chores. I've learned so much about him and we've really communicated openly...no fighting. It hurts that he feels divorce is the only way.
We've both been arried before...me longer than him. He was only married about 4-1/2 years before and that happens to be where we are now. I'm not looking to waste his life or time, but I think especially since I'm JUST finding all of this out now, he needs to give us times. There are things he says that show me he cares. I said I wanted to shave my head and he objects... My weight loss caused my boobs to shrink and he's disappointed. Well why if you don't care??
We have dates on the calendar coming for days out together and as a family. We have taken ONE vacation alone since we met...not even a honeymoon!! Spring is here so we can get out side and work together on projects. I do believe all of that will help. I just can't convince him. I really believe divorce is NOT the answer. He can keep it an option as much as that hurts me but I don't want him to feel trapped. I just want him to work WITH me. Instead of giving himself a deadline without even letting me know. He gave himself a year. He gave me a month once he actually talked about it.
I will add up until about 3 weeks ago, we were ok...he was flirting, still kissing good bye and hello EVERY time we left each other. He grabbed my tush in the kitchen. My training schedule at work RIGHT AT that point was rotatig...so when he was home I was at work. When i was coming home from work he was gone already. We were 2 ships passing in the night & I missed him. I worked 10 days straight so I was never home and when i was I was recouperating from the crazy sleep schedule and again not eating right. It sounds like an excuse but his timing is right when I had little control over my own situation. He gave me no signs that he didn't love me. NONE. We weren't having sex but honestly I was pressing for it as I was unhappy with my weight and had no energy. But we still touched, hugged & kissed. I had no idea!!! I just don't think divorce is THE answer.

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