So many times during my session with couples there is a moment of loss of connection and all of a sudden the part of our brain that monitors threats, the amygdala, goes into action in a split second (1/1600th of a second, to be exact). Whenever we have such a threat response our partner becomes “the enemy” and we no longer experience them as our haven of safety who understands us and loves us. The Real Enemy is this threat cycle itself that takes away our freedom to choose. Our biology is such that when the amygdala takes over our focus is only on the threat and our reasoning/thinking brain (the prefrontal cortex) is pretty much offline. We struggle to reflect and remember the soft, tender, connecting moments we have previously experienced with each other. The one thing we must learn in therapy is to not be trapped in this cycle of despair. Your partner is not the Real Enemy, the threat cycle is. Stop coming after or withdrawing from your partner, come together right now like the song says. This coming together will calm your biology and take your amygdala offline so that your narrow focus is broadened and you once again can remember how safe your partner can be.
Couple’s Threat Narrative or What Happens in a Fight
A reason I write these blogs is to stay in touch with former clients and provide some kind of ongoing support. I need to be more faithful about that so here is a reminder for every couple I have seen about what arguments, conflicts, or fights are: Your partner is not “the enemy” or the problem, the threat cycle is, and the narrative in your head that goes along with it.
One of the more powerful insights from EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) for couples to understand is the threat narrative, that voice in our head telling us what is happening is not good. When we are threatened, either emotionally or physically, our brain and body go into reactive, self protective mode. Our perspective narrows as our fight/flight center in the brain ( the amygdala) takes over in a split second and our thinking, reasoning part of the brain (the prefrontal cortex) goes offline. We are geared up and ready for action and the threat is our loved one. This is the genesis of our fights. And this little voice in our head is creating a narrative, a story that we tell ourselves about our spouse or loved one, and maybe even about ourselves, that is based on a narrowed, limited threat perspective. In other words it does not represent the whole picture of who your spouse/lover is and you cannot trust it as the truth. If we are to stop our fights with one another we must learn to recognize this commentary in our head and stop listening to it. This is what couples therapy helps us do. This is the first issue we address in couples therapy and it changes relationships.
No doubt it is challenging to slow down this adrenaline driven threat response, it is probably the most challenging hurdle to overcome in repairing your relationship. Everything in your body and brain is screaming “danger, danger” and it’s difficult to listen to the new voice of attachment saying “your partner is not the real enemy”. Well, your partner is not the real enemy, so listen to the voice of attachment and work with each other to get out of the threat, attack-defend cycle that may spiral out of control into a very ugly place. Then we couples can create a new, more safely connected narrative together.
Blessings and may peace reign in your hearts.