Freedom from Compulsion

I often see men in my practice who are struggling with porn addiction, that is they compulsively view pornography. This has serious impact on their marital relationship and sexual performance. As with any repeated behavior our brain develops specific neural pathways that become ingrained and are thus compulsive. We experience this as thoughts and feelings that compel us to repeat the behavior. We are “driven” by our brain to do the deed, viewing porn, drinking, smoking pot, gambling, eating, worrying, and other compulsive behaviors that control aspects of our existence.

Recently I saw a young professional, married man who struggles with compulsive porn viewing. He is an educated person who is a dedicated follower of Jesus, who we can call Matt. Anyone would recognized him as a committed believer. He has a good and supportive relationship with his wife who is engaged with him in battling his compulsion to view porn. She, who we can refer to as Sue, also is a committed believer in Jesus. Sue is emotionally mature, meaning she can manage negative emotions so that her thinking brain (the prefrontal context) does not go offline when strong emotions occur. She is able to hold an objective awareness of her experience. This is a critical skill that we all need and can develop.

One of the most helpful therapeutic interventions with compulsive thoughts and feelings is meditation. There are several forms of meditation but they all have one thing in common, they help develop objective awareness of our internal experience. I prefer Centering Prayer meditation because it has a basis in Christian Scripture and Tradition as contemplative prayer. I introduced this practice to Matt who quickly grasped its significance. The significant and powerful benefit of contemplative prayer is that it develops the skill of our “inner witness or observer”.

Matt was able to experience his compulsive, obsessive thoughts and feelings to view porn as something “other” than himself. Simply put, our essence is not our thoughts and feelings, we are not our thoughts and feelings, we could say we are spirit. That is, there is a part of us that can observe our inner, subjective experience. When Paul says in Romans 8:16 that God’s spirit testifies (agrees with) our spirit that we are His children, this personal spirit is, I believe, our “inner witness or observer”.

Matt, almost immediately experienced a new found freedom from his compulsive behavior. He quickly realized that he did not have to respond to the thought and feeling to view porn. He had freedom of choice to do something different once he knew that his identity is not determined by what he thinks and feels. This new found freedom is not like a vending machine, put in a dollar and get a candy bar, it takes consistent, persistent, practice but for Matt he has found a way forward, he does not feel trapped or enslaved to compulsive porn viewing.

Not everyone grasps as quickly the potential of meditation as Matt did, nor does everyone have a Sue in their life, or a strong faith. All of these things matter in overcoming such difficult challenges, but developing our inner witness, our spirit, recognizing and understanding that we are not defined and bound by what we think, or what we do, or what we feel, is powerful and freeing.

You Are Something Else

In my last blog I mentioned Dr Jeffrey Schwartz and recommended you look at one of his you tube videos. I hope you checked that out and if you did you probably were made aware of his book “You Are Not Your Brain”. I highly recommended getting and reading this book, especially if you want to make any changes in your habits, whether it is eating too much, drinking too much, struggling with obsessive or negative thinking, etc. He presents a clear but challenging process to changing the way your brain functions and thus your life. As I have mentioned in recent blogs, we have a mind, a self, a consciousness, an awareness that is somehow “independent” of our brain and able to change the way our brain functions.

I am reminded of the Christian scripture Galatians 5:1: “It is for freedom that Christ has set you free, do not let yourself be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Habits and behaviors can be a form of slavery; mine certainly feel like that and to know that I have the choice and the means to change them is very encouraging. We are not just our thoughts or our habits or our performance, we are “something” else.

I am also reminded of another Christian scripture, Romans 7:14-25 where Paul describes the struggle that we all have, this awareness of struggling with the sin nature and doing what is good. Hopefully you are not getting hung up on religious language and are able to see the bigger picture that is at play here. Paul is saying he is not able to help himself, that he is battling forces that are greater than him but he is in relationship with a force, Christ, the Spirit of God, who can set him free.

Dr. Schwartz’s contention that we are not our brain is a similar statement to Paul’s. He calls it our true self that is free of compulsions and habits that bind us in negative patterns of behavior that have been ingrained in neural pathways. I know people, including myself who have been miraculously almost instantaneously set free from negative and destructive habits, but that is the exception. It certainly has been so in my life and everyone else I am familiar with has had to work at gaining such freedom. However you understand this “something” else that we have in us, it is there and available to all of us.

Christians understand this as incarnational reality, that God lives in us, that we are indwelt by the presence of God. This is who we truly are, our true self, and the work of Dr. Shwartz, and others, are providing means to help us realize it.

Convergence

There is a fascinating convergence with neuroscience and tradition rich spiritual practices. Neuroscience, the study of how the brain works, is confirming what contemplatives (those who meditate and seek solitude and silence) have known for centuries, the mind can shape the physical structure of the brain. Neuroscientists call this neuroplasticity, something they denied was possible as little as 10 years ago and yet every one that prays, counsels, preaches, and teaches knew that transformation was and is possible; we can literally reshape the neural pathways of the brain, even significant mental health disorders like OCD. Healing happens and science is agreeing with spiritual traditions; how cool is that!

This is fascinating on several levels. I would recommend you listen to any of Dr. Jeffery Schwartz’s M.D. You Tube videos. Here is a link to one: https://youtu.be/S0-NmxR3Lcg. Dr. Schwartz is part of the exploding Mindfulness movement, a secular version of contemplative practices, especially meditation. He is also a believer in Jesus and got there from a Jewish heritage, to practicing Zen Buddhism, to following Jesus. I don't know the details of his spiritual journey, but the exciting and encouraging thing is that there is language developing that crosses all spiritual, secular, and scientific lines. If we look rightly, we can see how everything is connected, just like Jesus prayed in John 17:21: “May they all be one as you (God) and I are one.”

What is this language of connection? For those who practice meditation they know there is a presence that is not physical that shapes the physical brain. Believers in Jesus call it by many names, the Holy Spirit, the helper, the counselor, the comforter. I think it is our spirit working with His Spirit (Romans 8:16). Scientists call it the mind, focused awareness, other spiritual traditions call it enlightenment. There is significant healing going on with these practices and it is not just in Christian circles. God’s healing is not limited to Christian belief. He is a compassionate and loving God who brings His Love to all of us.

I believe something powerful is happening in all of this and we need to look “with eyes that see and ears that hear” to understand. Do not let your belief system get in your way of seeing and hearing what is going on; be open and trust, God is bigger than our fear.

Common Misconceptions of Couple Therapy

Maintaining a positive, supportive relationship with one’s partner in the face of expected and unusual life stress is one of the biggest challenges many couples face. Not uncommonly, instead of pulling together to face life’s difficulties, partners become disengaged or even hostile. The person you expect to always have your back begins to feel like the enemy. And sometimes it feels like the harder you try to fix the problem, the worse things get. The good news is that a well-trained couples therapist can help most relationships that have hit a rough patch. According to recent studies, 90% of couples who see a well-trained Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist experience improvement and 70% report full repair of their relationship. But here’s the bad news: many couples that could benefit from this therapy are reluctant to get help. Unfounded beliefs and misconceptions get in the way. Here is the truth about six common misconceptions: 1. The therapist will take sides. With some therapists, this in fact may happen. But an Emotionally Focused Couples (EFT) Therapist is trained to recognize how both partners contribute to their dance of anger or disconnection. Successful therapy invariably requires each partner to understand his or her role in the couple’s distress. 2. The therapist will tell us we should break up. Again, there are probably some therapists who would make this judgment, but the role of an EFT Therapist is to help couples understand how their relationship has gone wrong and to guide them – for as long as they are willing to try – in how to repair it. The decision of whether to stay in a relationship always belongs to the couple. 3. We are too far gone; the situation is hopeless. Many couples worry that their problems have gone on so long, there is no hope of improving their relationship. But even long-standing problems can be resolved with EFT therapy. The intensity of anger also does not necessarily indicate that a relationship can’t be improved. The only clear sign that EFT therapy won’t help is if one or both partners have become so disengaged they are no longer willing to try. 4. Talking about our problems will make things worse. Many couples have experienced that their own attempts to talk about their problems have made things worse, so this concern is understandable. They may even have had previous experiences in therapy where talking did make things worse. However, an EFT Therapist is trained to create a safe space where problems can be discussed productively. In many cases, the therapist will be able to help partners see each other’s struggles in new ways that open the door to healing and reconciliation. 5. Couples therapy is a waste of time and does not work. Many therapists who see couples aren’t trained in an effective model of couples therapy, and there is probably a significant risk that these therapists will not be helpful. However, EFT has years of research demonstrating its effectiveness in helping couples improve their relationships, and follow-up studies show these improvements are long lasting. EFT is one of a handful of couples therapies designated as empirically supported by the American Psychological Association. A therapist trained in EFT is guided by a roadmap that has one of the strongest track records in helping distressed couples. 6. We (or he or she) need individual therapy first. A growing body of evidence suggests that successful couples therapy can actually reduce an individual’s symptoms of depression, anxiety, posttraumatic stress, and other psychological disorders. At the very least, a stronger, more supportive relationship will reduce the suffering both partners experience when one partner is struggling with a psychological disorder. Couples therapy may not be the only treatment needed when a partner has significant psychological symptoms, but when the relationship has suffered, it is often the best place to start. By Ruth Jampol Ph.D.|July 6th, 2015

A Different Perspective

For the past several months I have immersed myself in the writing and teachings of a Franciscan friar named Richard Rohr. I have been “captured” by the idea or practice of contemplation. I highlight captured because that is what it feels like. I am compelled to explore contemplation and I have been fascinated by Richard Rohr’s particular perspective on it. I have been inspired by his writings and also challenged and disappointed. I am obviously seeking something, and hopefully that something is truth and how to live with integrity and maturity within truth. My hope is that this leads to freedom.

For anyone who is on a genuine spiritual journey, and I do not think there are many in our culture or maybe in any culture or time who are genuine seekers of truth and freedom, one major obstacle is our personal ego, our small self or our false self. Whatever it is called it is caught up in its own perspective, agenda, and self protection. Contemplation is a spiritual practice that can help gain perspective on this self protecting, defensive, frightened and controlling self that really can’t see anyone else in the room, including God.

Dr. Gerald May, a psychiatrist and spiritual director says: “Contemplation happens to everyone. It happens in moments when we are open, undefended, and immediately present.” Why is this important to our spiritual life? If your spiritual background is evangelical as mine is, you will question what this has to do with Jesus or the Bible? This statement of Dr. May is not typical of an evangelical perspective on spirituality, there is no mention of Jesus, just undefended presence. Sometimes we evangelicals think there is no other perspective than ours and we need to be careful because it begins to look like we have all the answers. What can subsequently happen is that we close off to any other experience if it does not fit our formula of proper or true faith. I think some of my seeking has to do with how tiresome and small the practice our faith can seem. It is sometimes too neatly packaged.

If you read most of the discipleship books on how to grow in the spiritual life they are more like formulas that are applied in an experiment than an experience that is lived in the midst of life. There is no mystery only answers and anyone who has lived life honestly and long enough to suffer knows that there are not always answers or solutions or resolutions and living in the tension of not having answers, with hope, might be the spiritual life. Jesus rarely if ever gave direct answers to questions, he spoke in parables and paradox. This frustrated and maddened the scholars and teachers of his time as it does ours. I just do not think we realize how obsessed with and maybe desperate for control we are. It is such a part of the fabric of our lives that we do not even see it. We must gain perspective to see it and contemplation can help.

The contemplative life seeks union with God and being present in the moment, this moment, the only time we have, is central to experiencing God’s presence. This is why being open and undefended is so important because God is now, He is the “I am that I am” and as long as we live only in our heads with our theories and formulas and doctrines and creeds we miss seeing the bush that is burning right in front of us.

The Path of Transformation

There is an oft used phrase in EFT, an attachment based approach to healing marital distress, “catching bullets”. I use this phrase in my counseling sessions with couples to help them (and ourselves) work on not being reactive to their partners negative comments. This helps couples learn to stay out of, stop or slow down getting into a fight cycle. This takes an amazing amount of restraint and self control and one most distressed couples find very difficult to do. It is very challenging to manage our impulse to self protect when we are being criticized, attacked or generally on the receptive end of someone’s fear and hate. The reason it is especially difficult in marital or love relationships is because this is the person we expect to love us, to be there for us, to understand us, cherish us, and certainly not criticize or attack us. We feel betrayed by the one we have trusted the most.

A powerful example of “catching bullets” is seeing the work of Jesus on the Cross. Richard Rohr says this:

“The significance of Jesus’ wounded body is his deliberate and conscious holding of the pain of the world and refusing to send it elsewhere. The wounds were not necessary to convince God that we were lovable; the wounds are to convince us of the path and the price of transformation. They are what will happen to you if you face and hold sin in compassion instead of projecting it in hatred. Jesus’ wounded body is an icon for what we are all doing to one another and to the world.”

This is a powerful image (what an icon is) of love, one that will change marriages, and the world. I hope you will ponder and reflect on this, that Jesus shows us a way to follow, a way to be, by “holding one another’s pain” and “face and hold sin in compassion instead of projecting it in hatred”. This changes everything in human relationships. I see it everyday in couples who are learning to see that their partner’s angry or rejecting comments are more than bullets being fired to hurt and wound and by refusing to send it back, the door is opened to reconciliation.

Living in the Presence of God's Love

We are in a broken world, we are broken ourselves, and yet we are in a redeemed world, and we are healed, made whole by love. We exist in the middle of this tension and we tend to want to go one way or the other, to have things clarified and settled, even if its negative. I think we need to learn to live in the middle of this tension, with faith and trust, not in ourselves, our own abilities and power but in and through the love of God.  Ok, how do we do this???  Wrong question, we don't do much else but learn to receive, to live in and through the power and presence of God's love. This is our journey and we need to do it together. Have a blessed day.

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Shake, Rattle, and Roll

It seems like the only times I desire transformation is when I am suffering.  Richard Rohr, a Franciscan priest, spiritual director, and writer says that transformation only occurs in the context of great pain or great love.  The point is that we are open to transformation, to changing our lives when we experience something larger than our selves.  Think about when we are really open to change, to listening and seeking and hungering for something more.  It is most likely, and I really think only, when we are in an experience that we can’t contain, manage, or control, i.e. great pain and suffering or great love and joy.  Then we are open to something greater than our current status quo.

This makes it particularly challenging for those agents of change and transformation like religion and the church or psychology and therapists.  Most often what happens on Sunday or in the counseling office or anywhere someone is seeking to get at the truth of things, are efforts to maintain and comfort not shake rattle and roll things to the point of uncomfortable dis-order.  We don’t like dis-order; we don’t like feeling uncomfortable, and unless we are desperate or ebullient we don’t let go long enough to see things differently. 

So the Mental Health profession gives medication and supportive counseling and everyone feels comfortable but unchanged, and the Church preaches positive and soothing messages that everyone shakes their heads in agreement with, but the world remains unaffected by the Body of Christ. 

I think this might be something of what Jesus meant when he said it as difficult for a rich person to enter the kingdom of heaven (which is now not just later) as it is to thread a camel through a needle.  As long as we are content and able to manage things ourselves, we are not looking for anything beyond, greater, or different than what we already know; just dull the pain, entertain me and life is good.

So my prayer is:  “Lord, please shake, rattle, and roll me into your kingdom.  Let my teachers, therapists, pastors, friends, and spouse be bold and hold me to what is true and real so that it disrupts my complacency and brings me to the brink of disordered discomfort where I am humble and yearning for what is solid and true and real.  And may I do the same for others.”

There is an important caveat to this prayer.  Those that hold me and are bold enough to confront me, I must trust that they love me or I will run from them or attack them.  And the same is true for those I am bold with; they must know that I love them.  This is no easy task, look at what happened to Jesus. 

My wife Carolyn and I try to get away to be with each other every three months or so. These “getaways” often coincide with a birthday or anniversary but not always. We usually arrive around noon and leave the next afternoon. We always hope to arrive sooner but necessities and demands prevent that. This does not sound like much time away and we would prefer longer but we always seem to leave feeling refreshed, renewed, and reconnected; not a bad outcome. The place we visit is a retreat house called “Quiet Place” in rural Garrard County near Lancaster, Ky. We have been doing this for several years now and we are so thankful for this place of retreat that Rick and Teresa Jenkins provide for ministers, pastors, and other Christian care givers. Rick and Teresa serve the servers. I don't know where they retreat but Quiet Place has become an invaluable tool for reconnection with the Lord and one another.

While visiting there this time I read from Conversations (www.conversationsjournal.com), a Christian journal about spiritual transformation. They provide a forum of “spiritual accompaniment and honest dialogue for authentic transformation.” Living in a culture that offers mostly sound bites of phantom promises that disguise other agendas something solid like real change is appealing;we all hunger for the real. Consider the woman in the Gospels who met Jesus at the well; with several relationships she obviously struggled with figuring out who she was and what she wanted and when she encountered the real she immediately changed her life, now that is transformation.

An article by Michael Glerup, who writes on “ancient christian wisdom for a postmodern age”, discussed change as defined by Gregory of Nyssa, an Orthodox Bishop from the fourth century who lived in what is now Turkey. Gregory said that change happens in one of two directions, for good or for ill. Change for ill is that which is cyclic and repetitive so that nothing really lasts or satisfies. We reach a state of temporary satisfaction that depletes, like eating food, and we have to do it all over again and again and again. Change for good is that which helps us progress in capacity, in our ability to grow and receive more. It is something that satisfies, that brings a fullness that lasts. Change for ill leaves us always hungering for more, change for good leaves us satisfied knowing that there is more, and so we are content.

While there is much more to Gregory's view on transformation (Conversations, Vol.8.1) his understanding of the cyclic, repetitive, empty change is what we see in struggling couple's arguments (not to mention the stock market and economic cycles). Their argument cycle is a repetitive one and it is the same over and over again. They keep coming back to it because a deeper hunger is never satisfied, it is like playing a roulette wheel, the ball gets thrown and you watch it spin hoping it lands in the right place. It rarely does and with repetitive cycles it never does. The insanity is that we believe we are going to win next time.

Becoming aware of our deeper hunger(s) is critical to orienting our selves toward what is Good. The difficult thing for most us is to begin to trust, to believe that their really is something solid and real and good that can meet our deepest longing. Receiving an experience of that, whether during a counseling session or a meeting at the well gives hope that real satisfaction is possible. Couples that become aware of their own and their mates true longing and move to meet that is what breaks the repetitive argument cycle and brings peace to the relationship.

While the time at Quiet Place is never quite long enough for Carolyn and I and we leave yearning to stay in a place of rest and quiet and connection, we know this peace is real and we can experience it again. I think that is something like the hope of heaven.