One of the most poignant and powerful illustrations of the rhythm of significant relationships is the stages of separation that John Bowlby observed in young children experiencing separation from parents. While they are more obvious in children who generally have little difficulty expressing their emotional and physical reactions to things they don't like, the same stages are evident in older children and adults. When people we love do things that threaten us we express our displeasure (protest), if the threatening behavior continues, we become sad and experience a sense of loss (despair), and finally if the sense of separation (you are not there for me) continues long enough we emotionally disconnect (detach) in order to protect ourselves from further emotional pain. We conclude that it is better to be alone than to be rejected.
This rhythm of attachment tells us a great deal about who we are. It is a running commentary of how well we love. Do we listen, hear and respond to the protests of our loved ones? Are we sensitive to their displeasure and their pain? Do we adjust our behavior to reassure them or do we just keep on doing our thing? How well do we know what they need and what is important to them or is it just what is important or significant to us that matters? And perhaps most importantly, are we able to suffer through their insensitivity and even rejection of us while still being open to receive them?
An important quality of how well we love may be seen in our capacity to suffer. Growing in love, becoming more loving, is growing in our willingness to give of ourselves. Many pastors and teachers of religious faith frequently talk about this. Most often, it is expressed in behavioral terms of serving by doing more for someone else and doing less for you. So they focus on our behavior, what we do. Do we go on a mission trip or a golf trip? Do we perform a service project for somebody else or focus on our own projects? Unless we look in our hearts and examine our motives for giving of ourselves we might not really be growing in loving others.
I think we need to consider what suffering consists of to help us know what love is. What does it look like to suffer and what does suffering do in us? How does our capacity to suffer for another develop? What affects it? Who are the most loving people you know? Reflect on what they are like. How do you feel around them? What is it about them that tell you they love? Is it what they do or who they are? Do you know about their life or just their behavior? I would suggest that you know someone loves not just by how they behave but by experiencing a presence that welcomes and invites connection.
Henri Nouwen says we are to become like the father of the prodigal son (a metaphor of God's love) who was shaped by waiting for his sons to deal with their stuff. Nouwen says: "A large part of the father's life has been waiting. He could not force his younger son to come home or his older son to let go of his resentments. Only they themselves could take the initiative to return. During these long years of waiting the father cried many tears and died many deaths. He was emptied out by suffering. But that emptiness had created a place of welcome for his sons when the time of their return came. We are called to become like that father."
I love this statement "emptied out by suffering" that creates "a place of welcome", a place of love and joyful connection. Suffering creates a space in us to love each other, and it involves the helplessness of waiting.
The next time your relationship is threatened, and you notice the rhythm of attachment that tells your loved one you're feeling threatened, consider working on learning how to wait and suffer in order to create a space of connection. You will feel the distress of separation but resist expecting a change in their behavior. Empty yourself by letting go of your demands. Create a safe space for them to come home.
I have been on vacation and then catching up from vacation so I have not taken the time to write. My vacation with my family and extended family was rewarding and rejuvenating; it was a time of recreation. The word recreation is a great word; its spelling implies its meaning: to re-create ourselves, to give ourselves an opportunity to recover and restore. It is similar to the purpose of the Sabbath, to rest from work and enjoy creation. When God rested on the seventh day it was not just to stop working and rest, it also involved enjoying His completed creation.
Many of us, including myself, just stop working to rest. We do not usually remember to reflect and enjoy what our work has accomplished, what we have helped create. Most likely, we don't think of ourselves as one who creates. But we should. If we are made in the image of God, and I believe that is our fundamental identity, this means we possess something of God's power to create in us. And when His Spirit is alive and active in us, the power to create is magnified.
We tend to limit being creative to artistic work or new ideas and solutions but to create also means in a more fundamental sense to bring something (that is not currently there) into existence; to make something happen or give rise to something that did not currently exist. What separates our creative power from God's is his ability to create ex nihilo: out of nothing. We are creative from and with the "materials" we have been provided; God brings into existence something from nothing.
Maybe you are wondering how this applies to you? Maybe you do not think you can or have created anything or if you have it is not of much value. Please stop thinking that. There are two basic effects of our creative powers: the power to create something useful and good, or the power to destroy. We are either building something up or tearing something down. Jesus says in the Gospel of John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may life, and have it to the full."
Consider your life and what effect it is having. You are a force. You have power to create. What creative forces are working within you? Examine your actions, your words, and your behavior. Are they life giving or life destroying? Consider your relationships. If you are married is your spouse growing and thriving? Have the two of you created a full life or is your marriage falling apart? What about other relationships? Are they fruitful and productive? What kind of creation are you making of your life?
I regularly counsel couples whose marriages are struggling. It is something of a passion of mine to help preserve marriages. My marriage has lasted 19 years this week, May 14th. Notice how I say "lasted" as if it is supposed to not last. I should say I have been married 19 years. I never really think or wonder about my marriage not lasting. I know it will except death do us part. Obviously I have a wonderful wife and life mate who whole heartedly loves me. Many people think she must be a saint to love me as wholly as she does. I agree. I can be a difficult person to live with; but then so can we all.
Couples come into my office often voicing a similar sentiment of never concerning themselves with their marriage not lasting. And then something happens that threatens the relationship like an affair, or a sickness like depression or cancer, or some other event that weakens the marital bond. There are basically two kinds of marriage; those that have a secure bond and those that don't. Those with a secure bond can endure most anything life throws at them. Those with an insecure bond usually can't.
Dr. John Bowlby believes, and years of research and development of his theory of human attachment confirms, that we are biologically wired for a few intimate relationships. In other words, we are created to have close, secure, and safe relationships with a few individuals or "significant others". It is the way things are supposed to be, and it is exactly what God did as described in the creation account of Genesis. Something in us is wired to expect someone to be there for us and with us. As God says in Genesis, "it is not good for man to be alone." Attachment is a fundamental fact of life and we should expect our parents or other caregiver to be there for us and for our marriages to be "built to last".
There really are no surprises when significant human relationships go as designed. We develop a secure sense that we are important to someone else and they are important to us. Simply, someone is there for us who we can trust and depend upon and because of this we realize we are valuable. This helps us develop a secure sense of self and we come to "expect" that others will love us and we will love others. We have a fundamental confidence that relationships will work.
When Adam said to Eve: "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh", it is a statement reflecting the fundamental created oneness of man and woman. When a man and a woman are united and joined into a one flesh union as husband and wife it is a relationship that is 'built to last" because it is basic and fundamental to who we are. Just like we are made for living and breathing in an oxygenated environment so are we made to be together; vulnerable, naked and unashamed.
Please view your loved one without all their coverings of fear and defensiveness based on a lie that we are not acceptable and lovable just as we are.
We all know that those closest to us are the ones that can hurt us. The members of our family or our spouse are those with whom we are most vulnerable and therefore most exposed to being disappointed. When we are vulnerable we open ourselves by letting down our guard and allowing those who love us to be close. What our family or loved ones say and do to or about us has an impact on us; they have the power to affect us. Being hurt by a loved one is like a dog lying on its back, wagging its tail anticipating its belly being rubbed or scratched and instead it gets picked up by its paws and thrown across the room. The dog was calmly and restfully expecting love and affection and instead is assaulted. Sometimes we treat the ones we love just like that. We cause one another to suffer.
One of the definitions of betrayal is to cause suffering. Betraying someone is to turn someone over to suffering. Contrast that with the definition of compassion. It means to suffer with someone. If we cause someone we love to suffer by how we treat them then we are betraying them. If we enter into someone's suffering then we are being compassionate with them. In families, marriages and other intimate relationships we often find ourselves betraying in one context and offering compassion in another. Our betrayer can also become our source of compassion and vice-versa. This is a characteristic that make relationships so difficult and confusing. It will take some effort of reassurance before the dog you threw across the room will let you scratch his belly again. The only way to do this is to offer compassion, to enter into and own the suffering you caused.
I have often thought about Judas and why he hung himself. He betrayed Jesus turning him over to suffering. The great paradox is that Judas' betrayal brings salvation to those who believe in Jesus. Jesus' death on the cross is God's awesome demonstration of compassion. According to the Bible, he suffered with and for us in order that we might be set free from sin. Our betrayal of Jesus is not too different from Judas' betrayal. We too have turned Him over to suffering because of our sin. But when we receive salvation from the Cross we participate in the compassion of Jesus. We believe that He loves us no matter what we have done. Judas' suicide is a commentary on what happens when we believe compassion is not available for us. If we believe like Judas that we must bear our suffering alone there is no place for suffering to go and it destroys us.
In our intimate relationships we need to understand this relationship between betrayal and compassion. We need to be able to enter into one another's suffering even if we are the cause of that suffering. Being compassionate with one another, being willing to suffer with each other opens up the door to freedom from suffering. Otherwise it will destroy the relationship; just ask the dog.
This is the week of Easter, what is sometimes referred to as Passion or Holy Week. It is when Christians remember in a variety of ways Jesus' death on the Cross, our Lord's answer to the problem sin. It is fitting that last week the Vatican released an expansion of the seven deadly sins (http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/03/13/new.sins/?iref=mpstoryview) that reflect our technological and scientific advancements like genetic manipulation or ruining the environment. It is a good time to reflect on and consider what sin is.
In one of the readings my wife Carolyn is doing for her daily devotional, something she is admirably faithful about, she commented on a sentence that struck her: "…all sin is, at its root, a refusal to love." (Lent and Easter Wisdom from Thomas Merton). In today's relativistic, postmodern world where like trash, one person's sin may be another person's virtue, I wonder if "sin" is even a word that has any meaning. Significantly and thankfully, I am apparently wrong. According to Ellison Research (http://ellisonresearch.com/releases/20080311.htm) 87% of Americans, whether religiously involved or not, believe in the concept of sin defined as "something that is almost always considered wrong, particularly from a religious or moral perspective." In a list of thirty behaviors and activities ranked as sinful, adultery tops the list with 81% agreement. I wonder what kind of list would be formulated when sin is defined as a refusal to love instead of something that is considered morally wrong. I am afraid for me it would be a very long list of daily offenses.
I believe most of us think that we would never refuse to love. How could we imagine doing such a thing? It is not too difficult for me to think of myself as someone who can and has sinned but I do not like considering myself as someone who refuses to love. This makes me question what love is. It raises questions like what does refusing to love look like. When and where am I refusing to love? How do I know if I truly loving someone? What does refusing to love have to do with genetic manipulation or even adultery? If I am willing to love does that make me free from sinning?
The Bible tells us that Jesus' death on the Cross is God's love in action (John 3:16). It tells us that God is love and that Jesus is the perfect picture of love (1 John 3:16). And this same verse tell us what our love needs to look like, being willing to give up our lives for one another. This should sound familiar; this is what Jesus did for us on the Cross. Apparently, we are to do the same thing for each other. The root of sin, then is being unwilling to put others first. How simple and how difficult this is.
I love (no pun intended) this quote from Henri Nouwen (a well known and respected Catholic theologian and spiritual director) about what love means: "Love means intimacy, closeness, mutual vulnerability, and a deep sense of safety." Obviously, I do not feel close to or intimate with his quote so my use of "love" is more about how much I like his quote. We use "love" to describe how we feel about so many different things, like "I love Coke," etc. that the word loses its power when we use it to describe how we feel about the person we love. Mr. Nouwen is using this to describe how we should be with God when we say He loves us and we love him. It is also how we should be with our spouse and best friend.
He goes on to say: "But all of those are impossible as long as there is fear. Fear creates suspicion, distance, defensiveness, and insecurity." Again, Mr. Nouwen is speaking in reference to fearing God but the same holds true for our intimate relationships. We cannot love God or one another if "fear" is at work in our relationships. You probably do not think of the word "fear" in reference to your spouse unless you are in an abusive relationship. But when you apply the words "suspicion, distance, defensiveness, and insecurity" how well do they fit? Or the converse; is your marriage or love relationship a place of "intimacy, mutual vulnerability, and a deep sense of safety"?
The amazing thing is this, both in our relationship with God and with each other, that if we know someone loves us, if our answer is yes to love and no to fear, then we are able to tolerate seemingly unbearable stress. We may experience significant conflict with our spouse, parent or friend or go through excruciating challenges, but if we know that at the end of the day, they love us, desire us, want to be close to us, honest and open with us, and genuinely care about our welfare, then the relationship is secure and we are secure.
Are you saying yes to love and no to fear? If not, your relationship is in trouble and it will not stand up to the challenges and stress of life. The good news is it does not have to remain that way. Begin working to eliminate the causes of fear in your relationships and allow the power of love to work its magic.
I visited my website recently and was struck by the word transform. I was impressed by this because I know I do not have the power to transform anything. I hope I have not given the wrong impression and promise something that I cannot deliver. There is change in many of the people I work with in counseling. There sometimes is transformation, which means to "change something dramatically, especially improving…" Often there is not dramatic change but improvement. But I am confident that seeds are planted that may lead to transformation, that is to dramatic improvement.
Transform can also mean "to change completely for the better". Complete change, dramatic change, this is describing change that is obvious. These are powerful statements of what many people hunger for; it is something you and someone else can notice like when the stock market increases by three or four hundred points in one day or you lose 30 or 50 lbs and the change is obvious, and better. You don't look like the same person. You are dramatically and completely different, in a better way.
Have you had an experience of transformation in your life? Have there been occasions or experiences of your life becoming completely different and better? As I look back over my life I see profound and dramatic change that warrants use of the word transformed. I am completely and dramatically different and better from the person I used to be. An important variable is "as I look back". Becoming a transformed person is not like the stock market where dramatic change happens in a day or even a few hours. Becoming a transformed person is a process or journey with dramatic or meaningful occurrences along the way that have a cumulative, life changing effect over time.
Transformation is possible. What experiences have you had that have contributed to your transformation? Who were the significant people involved? How have you dramatically or completely improved?
I sit with many couples that have gone through adultery, or in the modern vernacular, "having an affair". The terms don't exactly mean the same thing. One of the definitions of affair in the dictionary is "a sexual relationship between two people not married to each other." Adultery on the other hand is defined as "voluntary sexual relations between a married person and somebody other than his or her spouse." Technically, having an affair does not necessarily carry the weight of betrayal associated with adultery. And betrayal is a heavy weight to carry.
Another term for such behavior is infidelity. I think this definition captures the event in more descriptive and accurate language: "unfaithfulness or disloyalty, especially to a sexual partner." Interestingly, infidelity is also defined as disbelief or "the absence of religious belief"; thus the term "infidel" or nonbeliever. The authors of the Old Testament would often describe the Israelites who turned away from God toward pagan gods as adulterers. They were disloyal and unfaithful to the covenant they had made with Him. He was to be there God and they were to have no other god before Him. A marriage is a similar covenant between two people. We are to be faithful to one another, and not just sexually.
Problems with faithfulness begin way before sexual unfaithfulness occurs. Infidelity may happen often and in many ways other than committing adultery and we need to guard our faithfulness and loyalty to our mate. When we are unfaithful or disloyal to our mate we betray them, just like we betray our Lord when we are unfaithful to him. Heavy stuff if you're not an infidel!
What does it mean to be faithful to your mate? One place to begin is to pay attention to how you think about, view, and treat your mate. How faithful are you to one another in the little things? Do you respect what they desire even if it seems silly to you? Do you defend one another and stand up for each other in the face of criticism or attack? Does your mate know that you are there for them no matter what, or do they wonder if they have to stand on their own? Can your mate trust your word; your promise to do what you say you will do? If you ask your mate: "Do you believe, know that I am on your side; that I stand with you through thick and thin (or sickness and health) and will never leave you", how do you think they will answer?
There are moments of grace in our lives that we can witness if we are willing to ask, seek, and listen. A client of mine recently related such a moment in his life. He had come to see me because he felt stuck and frustrated with the behavior of his spouse. It is the kind of situation that often comes up in counseling where there is no obvious answer. If there had been counseling would not have been necessary.
In such situations I often make the obvious but not often relied upon suggestion that he ask what God has to say about the situation. I usually make this suggestion when an answer or direction is not clear to me either. So basically, I am asking for help. It is really nice to have God as your co-Counselor.!
This suggestion is not often relied upon because most people do not expect God to talk to them. Fortunately, this person does. He knows that God loves him and cares for him and will not leave him or forsake him. This is powerful knowledge. A person with that kind of faith is more in need of safe place to talk about their life than receive formal counseling. They often just need to be pointed in the right direction or reminded of what they already know.
This simple suggestion of asking a person of faith to turn to God for help opened the door to a perspective that my client needed. Because he believes that God does communicate with His creatures he was expectantly looking for a response. He found one and he was comforted.
His moment of grace, that moment or occasion when a power full of love and other and greater than yourself meets you in some profound way, happened for him while he was reading his Bible. It was in 2 Kings Chapter 6 where Elisha prayed for his servant's eyes to be opened to the presence of powerful allies surrounding their enemies. It is the difference of looking at difficult situations through the eyes of the natural or eyes of the spirit. My client was comforted with the knowledge that he has help in the midst of a seemingly impossible situation. This comforts me as well and I hope it comforts you.
Today is the day after Christmas. All the preparation and excitement is past. How do you feel the day after? Is there an unfulfilled longing for more? Or are you satisfied, reflecting warmly on the past few days? Maybe you are just exhausted and glad to have a day after to recuperate. I am encouraged and looking forward to the New Year.
I could not have said that several days ago. I was feeling discouraged and disconnected. Something was wrong in my spirit and I felt very frustrated and confused. There were several situations and relationships that were bothering me that I could not quite name or identify. I was struggling to put my finger on what was the matter.
For me, and I believe for all of us, my life begins and ends with the condition of my spiritual life. But we live our life in relationship with others so they often become our focus. It is much easier and probably more obvious to see that something is wrong or frustrating in our relationships. And sometimes the problem is another person but more often the problem is with us. A great parable of Jesus captures this truth. He tells us to first take the log out of our eye before we focus on the spec we see in another's eye. We must first deal with those issues in our own lives before we can help anyone else see the issues and struggles in their lives. And because we are focusing on someone else's spec of a problem we miss our huge mess of a log. It is always good to remember to begin with what might be wrong with us before looking to see what might be wrong with someone else.
Leanne Payne, reminded me this Christmas that we were created in the image of God, and because we are image bearers we have "an inborn hunger for the transcendent" (the transcendent is something that is above , beyond and greater than us, in other words God). I believe this because I am satisfied "the day after" and I no longer feel disconnected. I was spiritually hungry and the "inborn holy craving" that image bearers possess has been satisfied this Christmas in true worship in the presence of Immanuel, God with us. And because I am better connected to God, I can be a better person to others, not demanding things from them that is impossible for them to give.