The Unfettered Self

In reading writings on the state of the American marriage and family it is difficult not to feel discouraged if you believe in the sanctity of marriage, or the sanctity of life, for that matter. Sanctity has to do with something done before and with God. Marriage then becomes something more than a legal act, it becomes a holy union made in the presence of, and under the authority of God. It is not just “you and me” getting together, we are joining together as a witness to God's nature. The love between a woman and a man in marriage is representative of God's love. The love I have and express for my wife, and her love for me, is to be something like the love of God.

Current writings on the state of marriage seem to agree that a focus on individualism or an individual's right to express their unique selves is a major factor in the increasing divorce rate. In other words, our culture is placing a premium on my right for what I need, what I desire, what I want to become; paraphrasing Me and Bobby McGee: “individualism is just another word for what I want to do.” The other person then becomes nothing but a means for meeting my needs and when that no longer happens, I move on. Barbara Whitehead in her book The Divorce Culture refers to this as the “unfettered self”.

This same line of thought and behavior affects the sanctity of life. If life in a womb is not something I desire or is an inconvenience for my current plans, I stop it from becoming a life, I abort it. The right of a woman to determine what she does with her body is an expression of the same cultural impulse of the unfettered self. The individual decides and acts in his or her best interests, the rights and needs of the other takes second place.

I often listen to political conversations from media pundits and their guests. I happened to catch a segment of a conversation on the radio, I think with David Gregory on Meet the Press. He had Mayor Bloomberg of New York City, the past Chairman of the Federal Reserve Alan Greenspan, and the current Governor of Pennsylvania Ed Rendell. They were discussing problems with our economy and the associated political environment and potential solutions. One of the conclusions they reached was that the divisive rancor between political parties contributes to an inability to make decisions for the common good. David Gregory asked what can be done and none of these distinguished and brilliant men had an answer; they all agreed they have never seen anything like this in their lifetime. No one will give an inch to work together for the good of all; it is about maintaining, representing and winning a point of view. It is the same cultural impulse of doing what is best for me, for my party, or my position, not what is best for our country.

It is of course nothing new in history that the individual acts in his or her own self interests. What is different is how embedded it is in the laws of the land. We have legislated no fault divorce to make it easy to dissolve unwanted unions and it is legal to abort unwanted pregnancies. We even bail out institutionalized greed, holding no one accountable; doing what is in the best interest of me is both legal and profitable.

So what is an the answer to David Gregory's question? Restoring our culture to an ethic of love is one answer. The ethic of serving or deferring to the other over me is the basic position of love; love is always other directed, not self directed. Our society is losing this ethic, the impulse to serve the other, to sacrifice and dutifully meet the obligations we have in marriage, family, and country. We have lost the primacy of the obligated self developed from the presence of love; and I believe it is destroying our country.

Greater Love

Dr. Sue Johnson, one of the originators of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), a very effective marital therapy approach, considers the approach to be a “practical theory of love”. EFT is based upon Attachment theory which describes how we care for and emotionally connect to one another, and how that affects our development as human beings. Attachment or bonding to one another in families is basic to our survival. Human life cannot survive and thrive without it. Humans take a long time to grow and become self-sufficient and a bonded caretaker(s) is required.

But what does it mean to attach to someone? Is it the same as loving someone? Are love and attachment the same? I think they are similar and related, interconnected but not the same. For sure love seems to assume attachment; you are likely attached to those you love. But I believe love is greater than attachment. Dr Johnson says: “The multitude of studies on adult attachment that have emerged over the last decade tell us that the essence of love is not a negotiated exchange of resources (so why teach negotiation skills?), a friendship, Nature's trick to get you to mate and pass on your genes, or a time-limited episode of delusional addiction. Love is a very special kind of emotional bond, the need for which is wired into our brain by millions of years of evolution. It is a survival imperative.” Without even considering the question of how we came to be hard wired for connection, it seems to me her view of love is reductionist, that love is nothing more than “a very special kind of emotional bond” whose primary purpose is survival. This is “the essence of love”? Okay, I don't know about you, but that doesn't really turn me on to go find a lover!

I know you might be thinking “who cares?” I would agree this might be esoteric musings of an obsessed attachment focused marriage therapist who also cares about theology, specifically Christian theology. Love is a, if not the, central tenet of Christian faith, “God is love.” In the Christian tradition, marriage and theology are intrinsically linked. Marriage is one of the primary metaphors used to describe our relationship with God and God's relationship with us. In fact, as Pope Benedict says in his Cyclical on Love (I am not Catholic but Popes are usually brilliant and say very interesting things) love of neighbor is love of God so that loving one another is the same as loving God. How well we love our spouse (or neighbor), and the expression of that love is our measure of how well we love God. As Pope Benedict says “God's way of loving becomes the measure of human love”.

In our society today God is often dismissed as grounds for anything. If you begin with “what God says” you may be quickly considered intellectually inferior and out of touch with post modern thinking. You are likely to not be considered as part of a serious debate if you reference God as a source. Well, okay, but since I have been following Jesus I have learned and become a better lover of others than I ever was before, so it is hard for me to ignore or dismiss his influence. I know this is antedoctal, that my experience doesn't prove anything in an objective or scientific way, but you can ask my wife or kids or family if what I say is true. This is evidence that is difficult to dismiss; they know how well, or not, I love them on a particular day or for a particular week, just ask them.

There is a concept in the Christian spiritual life called “first love” that considers “Do I really believe that I am loved first, independent of what I do, or what I accomplish?”(Henri Nouwen) That is, is love freely given or do I have to earn it? Am I loved, totally, simply because I exist and therefore I don't have to worry whether I get something right. I have nothing to fear because it is not about what I do, Love simply loves me. The more we know, experience this Love, the better we are able to love others.(1 John 4:19) This is the measure God presents.

There is no doubt understanding how we attach to one another gives a language to discuss how well we care for and love one another. I practice EFT with my clients and find it very helpful and effective. Understanding how we emotionally connect to one another is very powerful and EFT helps couples do this. It breaks down the dance of connection so we can understand it and learn how to change the dance so to not lose connection with one another. But I think this connection, this bond of unity to one another serves a greater purpose, points to a greater reality, than simply survival; it points to God.

Make Marriage Work

It can be said very simply and forcibly that many marriages and maybe even marriage as a societal institution is in trouble. In fact, if things continue along the path of more and more couples deciding that getting married is unnecessary the moral and legal authority that marriage has in society might just disappear. The statistics are alarming and for divorce rates they have been alarming for some time. The fifty percent divorce rate has remained fairly constant for some time and it really doesn't seem to matter how much money you have, what god you worship, or your social standing. I suspect that if you asked how many couples were happy or content together, that number would be alarmingly low. They either have not yet decided to separate or have decided to stay together for some other reason. We just are not doing a good job as a society and culture with making marriage work.

This is not news. And many people and organizations have tried to turn the tide. There are organizations with names like "Saving Marriage", or the "Marriage Initiative", even welfare laws have been structured to try and encourage marriage. And most every religious faith, and certainly the Judeo-Christian heritages celebrate marriage as central to their life of faith and make every effort to keep couples together. And yet most initiatives, including marriage counseling have a dismal record of preventing divorce and improving struggling couple's chances of staying together.

There is one notable exception, at least in the field of marriage counseling. With over 15 years of research Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) has a 70-75% (and a few have 80-85%) success rate of helping unhappy marriages. It also reports that 90% of couples treated report significant improvement. This is great news and I have seen the results in my own experience of counseling couples with EFT. It is truly amazing how effective it can be. Couples have stated they had very little hope of making their marriage work and have been overwhelmed with gratitude when it did after counseling sessions based on the EFT method.

I have learned how to practice EFT from Dr. Sharon May Morris. She is a follower of Jesus Christ and a master EFT therapist. She has written two books on EFT, the most recent is How to Argue so Your Spouse Will Listen. She has worked with several churches in California, including David Jeremiah's church Shadow Mountain Community Church helping to implement mentoring and counseling programs based on EFT with great results. I am hoping that a coalition of churches and organizations in the Lexington area will help bring Sharon to Lexington for three days to help our local efforts. Centenary United Methodist and Crossroads Christian Church have committed to help. Please consider joining the effort to make marriage work.

In one of his newsletters Francis Frangipane made this statement: "We believe that the key to healing society is found in restoring marriage to its greatest goal as proclaimed by God in the book of Genesis. What is that goal? The Lord said, "Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness . . . And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them" (Gen 1:26-27).

Man and woman, married, united, in the image of God. If we restore this, we will restore our society one family at a time."

We can restore our society one family at a time if we make marriage work.

Christmas Gift

One of the great qualities of Christmas is the time it affords family to be together. If you happen to have a family that enjoys being together, it really is a wonderful time of year. Christmas is also about the Christ. It is a comment on our culture that we even have to mention that He is the focus of the season. I remember that my childhood family seemed to focus on the gift giving celebration part of Christmas, not the Christ giving. But then maybe that was just me. I liked the gift giving part and really struggled with the Christmas Eve service candle wax dripping necktie tight pants itchy feet sweating staying in my seat listening to boring service part.

It was really difficult for me to believe anything other than we were just putting in time before the good stuff; me getting my stuff. Christmas was not about Him, it was about Me! Oh what a joy to get what you wanted! And most of my life has been about getting what I want until what I want became incredibly destructive to myself and others. That is when I woke up or more accurately desperately began hoping that there was something else beside satisfying insatiable appetites and desires.

Did my problem begin because Christmas is too secular, too focused on buying and getting and not focused on Jesus? Well, I do not know about you, but my problem with appetite and desire run amuck is a lot more complicated than reminding everyone that "Jesus is the Reason for the Season"! I know there are people who are very disciplined and able to manage their appetites and personal desires in order to achieve larger goals. It does not follow that they are any more satiated, that their desires and hungers have been completely satisfied. It just might mean that their temperament is more suited to delaying gratification.

There is a long held notion in psychology that we all have different temperaments that come with the package, so to speak. Our particular temperament has to do with a prevailing mood, emotional disposition and emotional intensity. While there are different classifications, most agree that there are four basic types. The original typology of temperament was developed by Galen around 200 B.C. I am most likely a choleric, quick to react and hot tempered. My wife, Carolyn is more sanguine, warm and pleasant. A phlegmatic tends toward being slow moving and apathetic and the melancholic struggles with sadness and depression. I think most of us can figure out our basic temperament and what our particular prevailing emotional state is. If you can't figure it out, ask someone close to you. They will definitely know!

So what does this have to do with Christmas! Well, God sent His only Son that we might have eternal life and He did that because He loves us. God gave us his Son as our gift. That is what we celebrate on His birthday; His gift to us. Our desires and appetites drive us to focus on what we can get, even if we do it in a disciplined or friendly manner. How many of us focus on what we can give? My wife might be more warm and fuzzy and I am definitely pricklier but does that mean she is more likely to give of herself? Maybe she is just more pleasantly selfish.

I still have trouble sitting in church on Christmas Eve. My hot, quick tempered nature will probably not disappear until Jesus returns and I get my new body. My appetites and desires are still there, maybe not as forceful or persistent, but they are still there. One thing that is different is that I know I need to give, like God gave me His Son. It is the only thing that really helps satisfy. By the way, my wife is pleasant, and very giving.

This Christmas give yourself as a gift to someone else.

Merry Christmas!

Thanksgiving Gratitude

 
 

What does it mean to be thankful? Why should we be thankful? What do we have to be thankful for?

 
 

Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks, to express gratitude for the many blessings in our life. During our Thanksgiving meal my family takes time to talk about what we are thankful for and we usually do not allow the perfunctory expressions of thankfulness for friends and family unless you can back it up with specific examples. Just saying "I am thankful for my family or my friends…" is not good enough. You have to be able to describe what about your family or friends make you feel grateful. What we are looking for is an understanding of what it means to be thankful and grateful. It is usually more difficult to express with specificity our gratitude.

 
 


 

<http://www.gratitudeglass.info/index.htm

It starts with Christ (from the center out).

 
 

Through Christ we learn how to live life to its fullest and be grateful for all that God has blessed us with.

The spiral represents the universe

(all that is, all that ever was, and all that will ever be)

In this spells God for He created the universe and everything in it.

At the end of the spiral is the Dove in flight that is the spirit of God who is in all of His children.

 
 

Colossians 2:6-7

 
 

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In 1863 Abraham Lincoln made the following proclamation: "It has seemed to me fit and proper that [the gifts of God] should be solemnly, reverently, and gratefully acknowledged with one heart and one voice by the whole American people. I do, therefore, invite my fellow citizens . . . to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next as a day of thanksgiving and praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the heavens."

 
 

So what does it mean to be thankful, to have a spirit of gratitude?

 
 

Why is it so hard to specify our thankfulness? Is it because we lack humility?

 
 

In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful,

but gratefulness that makes us happy.

unknown

 
 

 
 

 
 

G.K. Chesterton said "It is always the secure who are humble." I think it also fits to add "and the grateful."

 
 

We offer thanksgiving and express gratitude because of our experience of grace, unmerited favor that blesses us with things we have not earned but have been given as expressions of love.

 

What are your experiences of grace and expressions of gratitude? Be thankful.

Culture of Pessimism

These are troubling times. Unless you have your head in the sand or make more than $250,000 per year (the current definition of rich), you are likely anxious about your economic circumstance. Of course, a certain percentage of the population is anxious because they have an anxiety disorder. They can be on the beach in Maui sipping their favorite beverage and feel horrible. Circumstances don't matter much to those folks. These times probably just add to their anxiety; but what about the rest of us? How are we coping with the edginess we all feel when we are told we are about to fall off the economic cliff of "the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression." Wow. My folks lived through that and World War II and they never talked about either very much. We usually don't like to talk about painful experiences unless we have to or need to.

So what to make of all this; how are you feeling? I, for one, keep wondering if the other shoe is about to drop even though I have no idea what that shoe is or what the drop entails. I just have this feeling of waiting for something really bad to happen. But hasn't something really bad already happened? Not to me, not yet anyway. But something bad is always happening to someone somewhere and in this economic crisis a lot more people have lost their jobs and practically everyone has lost much of their monetary worth. But there clearly are worse things than losing these things.

I think things feel worse than maybe they are (that other shoe might drop but if it is only an economic loss, meaning we have to lower our lifestyle and endure forced discipline of doing without, that might be a good thing), and this malaise has other reasons or causes. I don't pretend to know exactly what is going on or what the answers are but I can describe some of the symptoms that might help us name what is going on in our malaise. Allow me to give juxtaposition:

Stephen L Carter in his Author's Note of Palace Council , a novel set in the sixties comments "I mark the sixties as two decades, not one, the era beginning with the Supreme Court's decision in Brown v. Board of Education in 1954, and ending with President Richard Nixon's resignation in 1974. Brown, like the Cold War and the Apollo Program, was a product of the nation's buoyant postwar optimism. Nixon's fall from power reflected the nation's newfound pessimism. The Vietnam War formed the bridge between the two. Like so many wars, Vietnam began in idealism and certainty, but ended in cynicism and doubt….The end of the war in 1975 marked the beginning of the end of rule by the World War II generation, and the dawn of modern America—the mean-spirited America of me-first, trust-nobody, sound bites, revile-anyone-who-disagrees, and devil-take-the-hindmost. All of this misbehavior is a mark of our timidity, not our confidence. Americans across the political spectrum cannot bear dissent, because we lack the courage to meet it squarely."

The contrast is from Henri Nouwen's Bread for the Journey: "Love unites all, whether created or uncreated. The heart of God, the heart of all creation, and our own hearts become one in love. That's what all the great mystics have been trying to tell us through the ages. Benedict, Francis, Hildegard of Bingen, Hadewijch of Brabant, Meister Eckhart, Teresa of Avila, John of the Cross, Dag Hammarskjˆld, Thomas Merton, and many others, all in their own ways and their own languages, have witnessed to the unifying power of the divine love…It is in the heart of God that we can come to the full realization of the unity of all that is, created and uncreated."

Mean-spirited-me-first-revile-anyone-who-disagrees-with-you pessimism or our-hearts- becoming-one-in-love-because-all-that-is-created-or-uncreated-is-from-love optimism? Seems like an obvious choice but most of us are not mystics, we are modern or post modern everyday Americans trying to make it through. Maybe we should consider becoming mystics. Especially if it means that I can love you even though I vigorously disagree with you. Maybe then you and I will have hope and optimism not because someone promises it to us to win an election but because we become love ourselves.

If Stephen Carter is right, and I believe he has eloquently named our current condition, then this economic mess we are experiencing is only a symptom of Carter's pessimistic America. The cure then is not throwing more money to Wall Street or Ford; it is becoming the optimistic America that believes in itself because it believes in one another not as an enemy to destroy or prove wrong but as a brother or sister who needs one another. As the mystics express it, it is love that unites us, and the root of our culture of pessimism is our loss of knowing what love is and how to love. Maybe the root of our pessimism is wondering if love even exists.

Market Place Fear or Thrill Ride of Love

We often like to scare ourselves. We get a kick out of the adrenaline rush of fear that comes from a scary movie or a roller coaster ride. We like the feeling of being afraid as long as it comes in a form that is some sort of controlled context. The movie and the thrill ride have an end. We know that we are not in any real danger. As long as we know we have some sense of control over the situation we do not mind being scared. In fact, it is fun.

But what happens when we experience a situation that makes us feel helpless, when we don't know what to do to protect ourselves? We experience fear that seems to have no end and we are overwhelmed. Just think about our current economic and social situation. Many people are facing overwhelming economic difficulties as are many important financial institutions. Our financial structure is under great stress and we are facing uncertain outcomes. The words "panic" and "market crash" and "great depression" have been bandied around to describe our current situation. Experts in the field are warning us that we are vulnerable and exposed to a potentially devastating financial crisis.

How are you responding to this? This is an external threat to our well being and it seems no one, certainly not "us average citizens" have any control over the situation. If you listen to the dialogue of the financial experts they repeatedly comment that the financial institutions at the heart of the crisis do not know what to make of their situation. They are confused and disoriented. Their world has been turned upside down; they are confused about where the end point is, and they are frantically grasping for a firm hold. Their uncertainty has paralyzed their ability to act and so they panic.

What usually happens when we feel overwhelmed with fear is one of three things. We run, or we fight, or we freeze. This is the so called "stress response". In response to the financial crisis, we cash out and stuff our money in a mattress, or we act like Bill O'Reilly and many others who angrily attack and blame someone else, or we sit there like a deer in headlights and do nothing, not registering that a truck is about to hit us.

Is there another choice to the stress response? Are we locked into our instinctual response to threats? Can we look a threat in the face, even financial ruin or death and not be controlled by fear? Only if we believe that there is something more to life than what we can see, taste, or touch; only if we believe that life is fundamentally, basically, and organically infused by love.

The difference between feeling helpless and frightened or vulnerable and safe is most often a difference of perception. How do you perceive your world? Is it a hostile and threatening place where you must be on guard and defensive? Or can you be open and responsive, even in the face of threats, because you trust that the end game of life is love? A world infused by love is like a scary roller coaster ride; we feel the rush of fear but learn to trust that we can endure the ride.

 

 

 

 

Naked and Unashamed

David Benner in Surrender to Love makes a profoundly simple and true assertion: "Genuine transformation requires vulnerability". This captures the challenge of my daily work with individuals, especially couples. Those individuals who struggle with being vulnerable are very difficult to help. Being vulnerable means "to be without adequate protection and open to physical or emotional harm" and most of us do not like that particular state of being.

There are obviously situations where we should not be vulnerable because we are around unsafe people. We need to have our guard up and be careful about what we reveal because there are manipulative and abusive individuals. And sometimes it is a spouse or parent. There is probably nothing more negative and destructive to our being than the betrayal of our source of trust and affection using and abusing us.

The context for Dr. Benner's comment is the healing power of love. As a marriage therapist anything to do with love catches my attention. As a human being it should catch everyone's attention. For some the thought that love heals is foreign; for others it is ridiculous and for most of us it is a pleasant platitude that we believe but don't really understand. Love heals? Of course it does! And in the hidden comments of our self talk we wonder how that really works.

The reason vulnerability is so critical to transformation is that without it we cannot receive love. If we are busy protecting ourselves then when love comes we miss it. Dr Benner says that it is not "the fact of being loved unconditionally that is life changing….It is the risky experience of allowing myself to be loved unconditionally."

I cannot count the number of times I have heard "he/she does not love me unconditionally" and yet most people have had someone love them unconditionally. They might not be parents or lovers but most have experienced mercy and compassion from someone who was not looking for anything in return. Most parents and lovers know that love needs to be unconditional and make their best effort to give it. Why is it so difficult for us to receive love when it is offered? What makes us refuse it when love is standing right next to us?

One critical factor is the lack of self acceptance; we don't like ourselves. How can anyone else like us or love us? We are conditioned to believe that we will only get what we need if we are good enough. This critical piece is difficult to grasp. We are often unaware of our lack of self acceptance and this makes it very difficult to accept. Even if we realize or lack of self acceptance how to we get over it?

We get over it by risking rejection, the very thing that most likely caused us not to accept ourselves in the first place. We need to be like the cartoon character Popeye: "I am what I am, I'm Popeye the Sailorman." Most likely you will find that the people in your life are struggling with the same struggle. It is by making ourselves vulnerable, "naked and unashamed" that allow us to receive what we need. Are you willing to risk it?

If you have experienced the healing power of love how has it changed you? Are you able to find the words to describe your experience? If so, please do and tell someone else about it. You are a witness to the power of love and your witness can change lives. You will be a bearer of good news!

A Disorder Named Gollum

There are a couple of random thoughts running through my mind. One has caught my attention: "Everything that is inconsistent with love will die." The other thought is something Dallas Willard and others who write on spiritual formation have said that sin is desire run amuck. Eve's original sin is a problem with desire: "…the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom…" Genesis 3:6.

Paul and James of the Bible have written similar statements like James 4:1-3 "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures." (NIV)

All of us can identify with "desires that battle within you". We are often at war with ourselves struggling to make the right choice or not give in to self destructive behaviors. We have desire for more food, sex, money, or love. We feel unsatisfied and we continue to try and fill ourselves with something. According to Webster, desire means "to long or hope for….." What are you longing or hoping for? What are you hungering for? Are you able to satisfy that hunger? Is it enough for you or do you hunger for more?

I think these two random thoughts are related. Everything that comes of my desires that are not born of love will die. Some would say they must die and I would agree but saying they will die is more hopeful. Just because we believe something should die does not necessarily mean it will die. Our disordered longings and hungers whose appetites are never ending create an all consuming preoccupation with satisfying them so that it chokes the life out of everything else. If you are familiar with the Lord of the Rings you may remember Gollum, a grossly deformed and internally tortured creature who is a graphic example of the death that disordered desire brings. Every thought and action he has is directed toward possessing his "precious" ring. His all consuming desire for the ring produced nothing but murderous impulses and finally his death.

A picture of desire satisfied is seen in Psalm 131:2 "But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me." Mothers know how challenging it can be to wean an infant. Resting comfortably in their mothers embrace without protesting and demanding breastfeeding happens as the mother calms, soothes, and provides for the child's needs in different ways. The infant learns to accept and trust the mother's love quieting and stilling its demands for breast milk. The child can now move on and be satisfied by other nourishment.

This metaphor of satisfied desire happens in the context of a loving embrace. The mother's sensitive and attentive responsiveness to her baby is what makes the transition to solid food possible. This transition is a transition of desire. We think we need one thing but love points the way to what we really need. Love teaches us to reorder our desire to that which gives life and away from that which brings death.

Frodo, the ring bearer in the Lord of the Rings understood Gollum's battle with desire. He too struggled with the desire of the ring's power. He responded to Gollum with compassion where others turned away in revulsion. Gollum initially responded to Frodo's mercy and kindness but he was unable to make the transition and rejected love's embrace. His battle within was won by the compulsive desire to possess.

It has been said that Eve was seduced by Satan into believing that God was not truthful with her about dying if she ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. She stopped trusting God and decided for herself what is good to desire. Her desires, her hungers and longings were no longer guided in the loving embrace of her Creator. She was on her own, furtively grasping for nourishment that would never fully satisfy.

Are your desires guided by love's embrace?

Face of Love

It matters how well you have been loved. It also matters how well you love. I listened to a sermon recently that quoted John Eldridge from the Sacred Romance. He wrote something to the effect that it is a rare person who has been unconditionally loved, or "loved for who she is…" The implication is that we are often loved for who someone else wants us to be and that this is a primary source of our sense that something is wrong with us. We sense that we are not accepted so there must be something wrong with us; otherwise the important people in our life would not want us to be something other than who we are. Even writing this makes me feel confused!

It is often stated that a primal or basic human fear is the fear of abandonment, the fear of rejection and isolation, a fear of being left alone. If you saw the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks you have a sense of what isolation does to someone and the extreme measures it takes to survive living only within your own thoughts. How often do we need someone to talk to simply to help us get out of our own thoughts? Tom Hank's character Chuck Noland ended up creating a relationship with "Wilson", a soccer ball, in order to survive. He had to have a conversation with "someone." It is a commonly held understanding that we are hard wired for connection to one another. It is how we are designed.

This should be obvious to all of us how important we are to one another. But like the air we breathe we take it for granted; until something goes wrong and we can no longer breathe in the air we need. If you have ever experienced even a hint of suffocating you know the panicked helplessness. The same is true for the emotional air we breathe. How good is the air of your important relationships? How do you love those most important to you and how do they love you? What kind of emotional climate do you live in? Are you confident that you will get what you need or are you afraid (even unconsciously) that they really are not there for you. Or maybe you just deny that you need anyone.

One of the "thoughts" that kept Chuck Noland going in his drive to survive was the remembering of his relationship with his wife to be Kelly. The memory of the love they had and the hope of loving her in the future helped keep Chuck alive and more importantly motivated to get home. He had what is called "emotional resiliency", the capacity to soothe oneself in the face of disconnection. Those who have been loved well have a basic sense of security that their needs will be met, if not now, soon, if not soon, later. They have a living hope that love is real and present for them. Is love real for you? Are you emotionally resilient? Do you believe that even in its felt absence love exists? And what form does love take? What kind of face does love have for you?

These are profoundly important questions that we all need to answer. Questions about love are spiritual questions and all spiritual questions are ultimately questions about what it is to be human. We are the presence of love that makes love real and we are most human, most truly our self, when we believe in and live in love. We are the form that love takes. We are the face of love to one another. What kind of face do you make?