Weekly Support Group

MEDITATION GROUP

Weekly Tuesday Nights @ 6:30-7:30 pm
Beginning June 19th, 2018

Office of Don Sizemore & Associates
698 Perimeter Dr. STE 101
Lexington, KY 40517

Meditation in its various forms is a practice that has demonstrated beneficial effects for our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual life. It has been practiced for centuries in every major religion and is a subject of neuroscience research and application. It is especially helpful for changing bad habits, ending unhealthy thinking, and enhancing our spiritual life. I encourage many of my clients to meditate as a religious practice or for well being. A group experience is supportive of our individual practice of meditation.

The session will include a twenty minute group meditation exercise and teaching on the practices and effects of meditation as well as a discussion of our experience with meditation. This group is open to anyone wishing to participate. It is offered as a free service.

Freedom from Compulsion

I often see men in my practice who are struggling with porn addiction, that is they compulsively view pornography. This has serious impact on their marital relationship and sexual performance. As with any repeated behavior our brain develops specific neural pathways that become ingrained and are thus compulsive. We experience this as thoughts and feelings that compel us to repeat the behavior. We are “driven” by our brain to do the deed, viewing porn, drinking, smoking pot, gambling, eating, worrying, and other compulsive behaviors that control aspects of our existence.

Recently I saw a young professional, married man who struggles with compulsive porn viewing. He is an educated person who is a dedicated follower of Jesus, who we can call Matt. Anyone would recognized him as a committed believer. He has a good and supportive relationship with his wife who is engaged with him in battling his compulsion to view porn. She, who we can refer to as Sue, also is a committed believer in Jesus. Sue is emotionally mature, meaning she can manage negative emotions so that her thinking brain (the prefrontal context) does not go offline when strong emotions occur. She is able to hold an objective awareness of her experience. This is a critical skill that we all need and can develop.

One of the most helpful therapeutic interventions with compulsive thoughts and feelings is meditation. There are several forms of meditation but they all have one thing in common, they help develop objective awareness of our internal experience. I prefer Centering Prayer meditation because it has a basis in Christian Scripture and Tradition as contemplative prayer. I introduced this practice to Matt who quickly grasped its significance. The significant and powerful benefit of contemplative prayer is that it develops the skill of our “inner witness or observer”.

Matt was able to experience his compulsive, obsessive thoughts and feelings to view porn as something “other” than himself. Simply put, our essence is not our thoughts and feelings, we are not our thoughts and feelings, we could say we are spirit. That is, there is a part of us that can observe our inner, subjective experience. When Paul says in Romans 8:16 that God’s spirit testifies (agrees with) our spirit that we are His children, this personal spirit is, I believe, our “inner witness or observer”.

Matt, almost immediately experienced a new found freedom from his compulsive behavior. He quickly realized that he did not have to respond to the thought and feeling to view porn. He had freedom of choice to do something different once he knew that his identity is not determined by what he thinks and feels. This new found freedom is not like a vending machine, put in a dollar and get a candy bar, it takes consistent, persistent, practice but for Matt he has found a way forward, he does not feel trapped or enslaved to compulsive porn viewing.

Not everyone grasps as quickly the potential of meditation as Matt did, nor does everyone have a Sue in their life, or a strong faith. All of these things matter in overcoming such difficult challenges, but developing our inner witness, our spirit, recognizing and understanding that we are not defined and bound by what we think, or what we do, or what we feel, is powerful and freeing.

You Are Something Else

In my last blog I mentioned Dr Jeffrey Schwartz and recommended you look at one of his you tube videos. I hope you checked that out and if you did you probably were made aware of his book “You Are Not Your Brain”. I highly recommended getting and reading this book, especially if you want to make any changes in your habits, whether it is eating too much, drinking too much, struggling with obsessive or negative thinking, etc. He presents a clear but challenging process to changing the way your brain functions and thus your life. As I have mentioned in recent blogs, we have a mind, a self, a consciousness, an awareness that is somehow “independent” of our brain and able to change the way our brain functions.

I am reminded of the Christian scripture Galatians 5:1: “It is for freedom that Christ has set you free, do not let yourself be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Habits and behaviors can be a form of slavery; mine certainly feel like that and to know that I have the choice and the means to change them is very encouraging. We are not just our thoughts or our habits or our performance, we are “something” else.

I am also reminded of another Christian scripture, Romans 7:14-25 where Paul describes the struggle that we all have, this awareness of struggling with the sin nature and doing what is good. Hopefully you are not getting hung up on religious language and are able to see the bigger picture that is at play here. Paul is saying he is not able to help himself, that he is battling forces that are greater than him but he is in relationship with a force, Christ, the Spirit of God, who can set him free.

Dr. Schwartz’s contention that we are not our brain is a similar statement to Paul’s. He calls it our true self that is free of compulsions and habits that bind us in negative patterns of behavior that have been ingrained in neural pathways. I know people, including myself who have been miraculously almost instantaneously set free from negative and destructive habits, but that is the exception. It certainly has been so in my life and everyone else I am familiar with has had to work at gaining such freedom. However you understand this “something” else that we have in us, it is there and available to all of us.

Christians understand this as incarnational reality, that God lives in us, that we are indwelt by the presence of God. This is who we truly are, our true self, and the work of Dr. Shwartz, and others, are providing means to help us realize it.

Convergence

There is a fascinating convergence with neuroscience and tradition rich spiritual practices. Neuroscience, the study of how the brain works, is confirming what contemplatives (those who meditate and seek solitude and silence) have known for centuries, the mind can shape the physical structure of the brain. Neuroscientists call this neuroplasticity, something they denied was possible as little as 10 years ago and yet every one that prays, counsels, preaches, and teaches knew that transformation was and is possible; we can literally reshape the neural pathways of the brain, even significant mental health disorders like OCD. Healing happens and science is agreeing with spiritual traditions; how cool is that!

This is fascinating on several levels. I would recommend you listen to any of Dr. Jeffery Schwartz’s M.D. You Tube videos. Here is a link to one: https://youtu.be/S0-NmxR3Lcg. Dr. Schwartz is part of the exploding Mindfulness movement, a secular version of contemplative practices, especially meditation. He is also a believer in Jesus and got there from a Jewish heritage, to practicing Zen Buddhism, to following Jesus. I don't know the details of his spiritual journey, but the exciting and encouraging thing is that there is language developing that crosses all spiritual, secular, and scientific lines. If we look rightly, we can see how everything is connected, just like Jesus prayed in John 17:21: “May they all be one as you (God) and I are one.”

What is this language of connection? For those who practice meditation they know there is a presence that is not physical that shapes the physical brain. Believers in Jesus call it by many names, the Holy Spirit, the helper, the counselor, the comforter. I think it is our spirit working with His Spirit (Romans 8:16). Scientists call it the mind, focused awareness, other spiritual traditions call it enlightenment. There is significant healing going on with these practices and it is not just in Christian circles. God’s healing is not limited to Christian belief. He is a compassionate and loving God who brings His Love to all of us.

I believe something powerful is happening in all of this and we need to look “with eyes that see and ears that hear” to understand. Do not let your belief system get in your way of seeing and hearing what is going on; be open and trust, God is bigger than our fear.

Our Story

I recently read John Steinbeck’s East of Eden where a beautiful and powerful exegesis of the Cain and Abel story in Genesis 4 is found. East of Eden is based on this pivotal story in the Old Testament and Steinbeck presents a deep and thoughtful presentation of the human condition, specifically as an archetypal story of the human soul. He presents the murder of Abel as an act of rejection, jealousy, revenge, and guilt. “I think this is the best-known story in the world because it is everybody’s story. I think it is the symbol story of the human soul. I’m feeling my way now—don’t jump on me if I’m not clear. The greatest terror a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears. I think everyone in the world to a large or small extent has felt rejection. And with rejection comes anger, and with anger some kind of crime in revenge for the rejection, and with the crime guilt—and there is the story of mankind. I think that if rejection could be amputated, the human would not be what he is. Maybe there would be fewer crazy people. I am sure in myself there would not be many jails. It is all there—the start, the beginning. One child, refused the love he craves, kicks the cat and hides his secret guilt; and another steals so that money will make him loved; and a third conquers the world—and always the guilt and revenge and more guilt. The human is the only guilty animal…Therefore I think this old and terrible story is important because it is a chart of the soul—the secret, rejected, guilty soul.”

Steinbeck makes the brilliant point that in the story God did not condemn Cain for his unacceptable offering but simply that God preferred or liked Abel’s offering better. What Cain did not see, did not understand was that God was simply asking for a different offering, make another attempt, “If you do what is right will you not be accepted?” This hurt Cain and he felt rejected, and when we get hurt by rejection we almost always get angry and when we get angry we do violence of some kind, whether emotional or physical, and we feel bad for it, guilty for our actions which traps and ensnares us by a guilt that needs atonement, expiation of our guilt. This is a pattern that gets played out again and again in relationships, with couples, between parents and children, with friends and others that we deem important. It is an old story that resonates with truth; rejection is the hell we all fear. So please, love one another.

God Alone

I went on a day long retreat last week to Quiet Place, a large and comfortable cabin with a wrap around porch near Lancaster, KY. It is a beautiful and secluded place that is used exclusively for spiritual retreats. I went alone for a time of silence and solitude and even though it was only for the day it reminded me of how difficult being silent and alone with your self can be. I have done extended retreats of four or five days but they have been at the Abbey of Gethsemane where you can at least see other people and attend services where the psalms are sung by the monks. That does provide some distraction from your thoughts.

The idea of silence and solitude is to do “God Alone”, and while some reading and reflection is ok as a jumping off place but the purpose is to enter into an attentive silence with God. This involves a meditative posture that goes beyond thinking and involves awareness and a listening for God’s voice. This might sound romantic or mystical but the nuts and bolts of letting your thoughts go, to get beyond thinking or beyond your feelings is rather messy and challenging. When you are quiet and alone with your thoughts and there is nothing to distract you from them, you may experience and discover some disconcerting or challenging things about your self. You may also have an incredible experience with God where you are aware of being in His Presence and you know this because you experience that He is with you. He is no longer just an idea or a concept, He is an experience. This is what the soul is hungry for, an experience of God’s presence. And you can’t think or feel your way into it.

I regularly teach many of my clients how to meditate, especially the ones that struggle with anxiety, panic attacks and PTSD. The benefits of meditating are amazing and they have been fully documented in the scientific community. It is one of the most effective stress reduction techniques that is available. Sitting in silence focusing on your breath with abdominal breathing for twenty minutes a day is all that is required. (follow this link for more information:http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/meditation-heals-body-and-mind). It is a very simple thing that is incredibly difficult, at least for most people. I encourage you to try it, sitting quietly focusing only on the in and out of deep abdominal breaths. You will likely find it incredibly difficult to keep your focus on your breath; instead you might find your mind wandering down random tracks or to concerns about the events of the day, tasks that need attention, or fears and obsessions that spontaneously surface. It can be very difficult to let things, thoughts, and feelings go, and just be in the moment.

Most if not all spiritual traditions have long included meditative practices for spiritual formation. My faith background is Christian and there is a rich tradition of contemplative practices that are centered in some form of meditation. They are tried and true paths to experiencing God. The challenge is that meditation is not a quick fix that soon produces a result. It is a discipline that is practiced.

I had a very difficult time at Quiet Place last week. I could not settle, could not get quiet and enter into silence. I sought out things to distract myself and avoid this unsettled state. My mental and emotional self was agitated and I could not enter into the present moment. I left disappointed but not discouraged. Acknowledging and facing our inner demons is an important part of the process and affirms the power of silence and solitude to expose what needs the Light of Day, the Love of God, and the Peace of Grace. All I can do is give myself to it.

The Miracle of Love

I am repeatedly amazed by the power of adult human attachment. There is something spiritual and divine about it, the way that two human beings have this drive to be intimate, vulnerable, and dependent upon each other. We can lose sight of this in the grind of everyday life taking each other for granted. But when I sit with couples who are struggling and feel distant from each other and have maybe given up hope that there is anything left to their relationship, I see how much they both want their relationship to work. This is almost always the case. When I scratch beneath the surface, the hurt and sadness over loss of their intimate connection comes rolling out; and when their partner sees this and is moved by it, you know there is hope for this relationship. This is true for men as it is for women.

This hope stays alive like a dormant seed waiting to sprout even in the most arid and hostile conditions of betrayal and abandonment. This deep longing and need for relational connection is able to look past obvious failings when there is visceral evidence of facial expressions and body language that says, “You affect me, I am moved by your pain, or your joy,” or any other genuine emotional expression of “I need you and I love you”.

Our capacity to forgive and reconcile and reunite is astonishing and miraculous. What a glorious creation we are!

A Different Perspective

For the past several months I have immersed myself in the writing and teachings of a Franciscan friar named Richard Rohr. I have been “captured” by the idea or practice of contemplation. I highlight captured because that is what it feels like. I am compelled to explore contemplation and I have been fascinated by Richard Rohr’s particular perspective on it. I have been inspired by his writings and also challenged and disappointed. I am obviously seeking something, and hopefully that something is truth and how to live with integrity and maturity within truth. My hope is that this leads to freedom.

For anyone who is on a genuine spiritual journey, and I do not think there are many in our culture or maybe in any culture or time who are genuine seekers of truth and freedom, one major obstacle is our personal ego, our small self or our false self. Whatever it is called it is caught up in its own perspective, agenda, and self protection. Contemplation is a spiritual practice that can help gain perspective on this self protecting, defensive, frightened and controlling self that really can’t see anyone else in the room, including God.

Dr. Gerald May, a psychiatrist and spiritual director says: “Contemplation happens to everyone. It happens in moments when we are open, undefended, and immediately present.” Why is this important to our spiritual life? If your spiritual background is evangelical as mine is, you will question what this has to do with Jesus or the Bible? This statement of Dr. May is not typical of an evangelical perspective on spirituality, there is no mention of Jesus, just undefended presence. Sometimes we evangelicals think there is no other perspective than ours and we need to be careful because it begins to look like we have all the answers. What can subsequently happen is that we close off to any other experience if it does not fit our formula of proper or true faith. I think some of my seeking has to do with how tiresome and small the practice our faith can seem. It is sometimes too neatly packaged.

If you read most of the discipleship books on how to grow in the spiritual life they are more like formulas that are applied in an experiment than an experience that is lived in the midst of life. There is no mystery only answers and anyone who has lived life honestly and long enough to suffer knows that there are not always answers or solutions or resolutions and living in the tension of not having answers, with hope, might be the spiritual life. Jesus rarely if ever gave direct answers to questions, he spoke in parables and paradox. This frustrated and maddened the scholars and teachers of his time as it does ours. I just do not think we realize how obsessed with and maybe desperate for control we are. It is such a part of the fabric of our lives that we do not even see it. We must gain perspective to see it and contemplation can help.

The contemplative life seeks union with God and being present in the moment, this moment, the only time we have, is central to experiencing God’s presence. This is why being open and undefended is so important because God is now, He is the “I am that I am” and as long as we live only in our heads with our theories and formulas and doctrines and creeds we miss seeing the bush that is burning right in front of us.

The Force Field of Resurrection

Thoughts for meditation from Richard Rohr "Once you know you are sharing in the force field of resurrection, you can always draw on it, live within it, and move out from it."2 Living within the "force field of resurrection" comes from the necessary suffering, or bearing witness to another's suffering, of the life and death pattern that Jesus embodied. When we step into the tomb and suffer the consequences of a "death," we exit the tomb with a new sense of self. This is the journey of the risen Jesus. This is the map of human transformation that gets lived out through the unique participation of those willing to enter the tomb. "The Holy Spirit is God desiring in you and through you—until it becomes your desiring too."3 God is already in you. Whether you are in the tomb or walking down the street, God is always drawing you closer to Divine Reality. This can be the hardest truth to integrate into your life, to recognize that sense of separation as false and to trust that God is working in and through you even when life feels like a battle. Take these following words from Fr. Richard and let them soak into your being. "The Crucified One is God's standing solidarity with the suffering, the tragedy, and the disaster of all time, and God's promise that it will not have the final word. The Risen One is God's final word about the universe and what God plans to do with all suffering."4 1Richard Rohr, Immortal Diamond, Jossey-Bass, p. 143. 2Ibid., p. 144. 3Ibid., p. 147. 4Ibid., p. 148.

Greater Than Gold

What is your first thought if someone were to tell you that the best thing that can happen to you is to fail? Our western culture, especially in the United States, is obsessed with winning, being right, or having the correct answer We have seen something of a movement to counteract this driven obsession to be number one where every kid who competes or participates is pronounced a “winner” and given a trophy, usually gold in color. This seems counter productive to pronounce something you really don’t believe is good; why not call every one losers and cerebrate that if winning is not important? The problem with this is that there really are others who are better than us at something; someone is faster, stronger, smarter, funnier, etc. than we are. Realizing and accepting that is only a problem if our identity, our sense of inner worth, is dependent on how we perform, or how much we possess, or what others think of us.

Most mature and responsible adults understand this, at least on a surface level. We hear this message all the time, in our churches, from our psychologists and therapists, even our sports announcers and broadcasters who talk about losing with dignity and grace, “ sportsmanship” they call it. Spiritual leaders tell us our that we find our self worth in the love of God and psychologists say it is in the love of our significant others. And this is true, but to hear it and to say it is not enough. Love has to be experienced in order to know, deep in our inner being that this is true.

So why might failing be the best thing that can happen to us? Because it allows us, better forces us, to experience suffering. It is painful to lose, to fail, but it also begins to open up the door to understanding that we, our self, our I, our ego, is not enough. I am not enough. You are not enough. When we fail, when we stumble, when we fall, we are vulnerable and if our self protective ego does not slam the door shut, we may realize our need to be comforted, accepted, understood, and loved; that it really does not matter what we do, achieve, or perform, that grace and love are enough.

Do you find this hard to believe? Does your experience tell you otherwise that what you do really does determine your inner worth? I would like to challenge you to turn off that voice in your head that is constantly evaluating, judging, and assessing and maybe you can hear that deeper voice that is always calling “I love you.” This is a trophy greater than its weight in gold.