It matters how well you have been loved. It also matters how well you love. I listened to a sermon recently that quoted John Eldridge from the Sacred Romance. He wrote something to the effect that it is a rare person who has been unconditionally loved, or "loved for who she is…" The implication is that we are often loved for who someone else wants us to be and that this is a primary source of our sense that something is wrong with us. We sense that we are not accepted so there must be something wrong with us; otherwise the important people in our life would not want us to be something other than who we are. Even writing this makes me feel confused!
It is often stated that a primal or basic human fear is the fear of abandonment, the fear of rejection and isolation, a fear of being left alone. If you saw the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks you have a sense of what isolation does to someone and the extreme measures it takes to survive living only within your own thoughts. How often do we need someone to talk to simply to help us get out of our own thoughts? Tom Hank's character Chuck Noland ended up creating a relationship with "Wilson", a soccer ball, in order to survive. He had to have a conversation with "someone." It is a commonly held understanding that we are hard wired for connection to one another. It is how we are designed.
This should be obvious to all of us how important we are to one another. But like the air we breathe we take it for granted; until something goes wrong and we can no longer breathe in the air we need. If you have ever experienced even a hint of suffocating you know the panicked helplessness. The same is true for the emotional air we breathe. How good is the air of your important relationships? How do you love those most important to you and how do they love you? What kind of emotional climate do you live in? Are you confident that you will get what you need or are you afraid (even unconsciously) that they really are not there for you. Or maybe you just deny that you need anyone.
One of the "thoughts" that kept Chuck Noland going in his drive to survive was the remembering of his relationship with his wife to be Kelly. The memory of the love they had and the hope of loving her in the future helped keep Chuck alive and more importantly motivated to get home. He had what is called "emotional resiliency", the capacity to soothe oneself in the face of disconnection. Those who have been loved well have a basic sense of security that their needs will be met, if not now, soon, if not soon, later. They have a living hope that love is real and present for them. Is love real for you? Are you emotionally resilient? Do you believe that even in its felt absence love exists? And what form does love take? What kind of face does love have for you?
These are profoundly important questions that we all need to answer. Questions about love are spiritual questions and all spiritual questions are ultimately questions about what it is to be human. We are the presence of love that makes love real and we are most human, most truly our self, when we believe in and live in love. We are the form that love takes. We are the face of love to one another. What kind of face do you make?
One of the most poignant and powerful illustrations of the rhythm of significant relationships is the stages of separation that John Bowlby observed in young children experiencing separation from parents. While they are more obvious in children who generally have little difficulty expressing their emotional and physical reactions to things they don't like, the same stages are evident in older children and adults. When people we love do things that threaten us we express our displeasure (protest), if the threatening behavior continues, we become sad and experience a sense of loss (despair), and finally if the sense of separation (you are not there for me) continues long enough we emotionally disconnect (detach) in order to protect ourselves from further emotional pain. We conclude that it is better to be alone than to be rejected.
This rhythm of attachment tells us a great deal about who we are. It is a running commentary of how well we love. Do we listen, hear and respond to the protests of our loved ones? Are we sensitive to their displeasure and their pain? Do we adjust our behavior to reassure them or do we just keep on doing our thing? How well do we know what they need and what is important to them or is it just what is important or significant to us that matters? And perhaps most importantly, are we able to suffer through their insensitivity and even rejection of us while still being open to receive them?
An important quality of how well we love may be seen in our capacity to suffer. Growing in love, becoming more loving, is growing in our willingness to give of ourselves. Many pastors and teachers of religious faith frequently talk about this. Most often, it is expressed in behavioral terms of serving by doing more for someone else and doing less for you. So they focus on our behavior, what we do. Do we go on a mission trip or a golf trip? Do we perform a service project for somebody else or focus on our own projects? Unless we look in our hearts and examine our motives for giving of ourselves we might not really be growing in loving others.
I think we need to consider what suffering consists of to help us know what love is. What does it look like to suffer and what does suffering do in us? How does our capacity to suffer for another develop? What affects it? Who are the most loving people you know? Reflect on what they are like. How do you feel around them? What is it about them that tell you they love? Is it what they do or who they are? Do you know about their life or just their behavior? I would suggest that you know someone loves not just by how they behave but by experiencing a presence that welcomes and invites connection.
Henri Nouwen says we are to become like the father of the prodigal son (a metaphor of God's love) who was shaped by waiting for his sons to deal with their stuff. Nouwen says: "A large part of the father's life has been waiting. He could not force his younger son to come home or his older son to let go of his resentments. Only they themselves could take the initiative to return. During these long years of waiting the father cried many tears and died many deaths. He was emptied out by suffering. But that emptiness had created a place of welcome for his sons when the time of their return came. We are called to become like that father."
I love this statement "emptied out by suffering" that creates "a place of welcome", a place of love and joyful connection. Suffering creates a space in us to love each other, and it involves the helplessness of waiting.
The next time your relationship is threatened, and you notice the rhythm of attachment that tells your loved one you're feeling threatened, consider working on learning how to wait and suffer in order to create a space of connection. You will feel the distress of separation but resist expecting a change in their behavior. Empty yourself by letting go of your demands. Create a safe space for them to come home.
Marathon Sex, Love and Happiness
Last week I opened my local paper and in the Health and Family an article caught my attention: "…sexual marathon helped rebuild their marriage." The article reviewed a couple of books about consecutive nights of sex with their spouse and the positive effect it had on their marital relationship. One of the books is by self professed evangelical Christians from North Carolina, my home state. The wife, Charla Muller gave her husband a gift of sex every night for one year for his fortieth birthday. The title of the book is appropriately 365 Nights A Memoir of Intimacy.
My immediate response to this was bordering on disdain. I have counseled too many couples who have tried to improve and/or save their marriage by having sex in every way and place imaginable. While it probably improved their sex life, I could not think of a single incident where having sex more frequently and creatively saved a marriage. Fortunately the article was well balanced and covered reasonable issues like sexual frequency in marriage is different among couples and individual couples experience of a satisfied sex life is varied. What is good for the goose is not always good for the gander.
Most married couples understand this about sex and have found ways to adjust to a frequency and schedule that works for them. I know my goose has certainly influenced this gander to adjust and, well, learning to do without is a growing experience is it not? Of course, be willing to give when you don't feel like it defines mature self sacrifice. These competing arguments for good will often create some interesting discussions! "Honey, are you sure it is not your turn to be self sacrificing tonight?"
On the thing the article did not mention that is relevant to increased sexual activity and an improved marital relationship is the role of the so called "love" hormone oxytocin. It is released during orgasm in both men and women and is thought to be associated with emotional connection: "This is one of the first looks into the biological basis for human attachment and bonding," said Rebecca Turner, PhD, UCSF adjunct assistant professor of psychiatry and lead author of the study. "Our study indicates that oxytocin may be mediating emotional experiences in close relationships."(Oxytocin: the hormone of love)
Since the late nineties researchers have been trying to understand the role this hormone plays in emotional connection and human attachment and the results have been very interesting. Of course some have been quick to latch on to the thought that we can manufacture emotional connection with a nose spray and you can find web sites selling the concoctions. The scientific results are more complicated and interesting than snorting a quick fix of "a tight connection to my heart" (Bob Dylan song) or having sex as often as you can in hope that something connects.
What is apparent from the research and human experience is that the presence of oxytocin is associated with human attachment. This "tend and befriend" hormone is associated with feelings of pleasure and well being and the more attached and positive your past and current relationships are with significant others the more likely you are to have these positive and pleasurable states from being with them. In other words, the more we have positive and rewarding interactions with our spouse, children or parents the more oxytocin is released in our system. We literally are biologically designed to experience pleasure in taking care of and being close to one another and the more we do it the more we experience it. Sadly, what is also apparent is that those with a history of emotional deprivation have less oxytocin released in their system when interacting with significant persons in their lives suggesting that being with others does not create feelings of pleasure and well being( Monitor on Psychology - The two faces of oxytocin). In other words, they likely do not receive the same comfort and pleasure from intimate relationships.
Our marathon sex couples would not have had such positive results on their relationship from all their sexual encounters if they did not already have a connective relationship. Their increased sexual activity no doubt enhanced their attachment and feeling of well being but it did not cause it. Those that do not have a history of connective and rewarding relationships cannot create connection by having more sex or snorting oxytocin. They have to do it the old fashioned way by risking entering into relationship and experiencing the power of a loving presence. It is what everyone desires and needs so who ever you are with and however disconnected they may feel, trust and believe that you both are seeking the same thing.
I have been on vacation and then catching up from vacation so I have not taken the time to write. My vacation with my family and extended family was rewarding and rejuvenating; it was a time of recreation. The word recreation is a great word; its spelling implies its meaning: to re-create ourselves, to give ourselves an opportunity to recover and restore. It is similar to the purpose of the Sabbath, to rest from work and enjoy creation. When God rested on the seventh day it was not just to stop working and rest, it also involved enjoying His completed creation.
Many of us, including myself, just stop working to rest. We do not usually remember to reflect and enjoy what our work has accomplished, what we have helped create. Most likely, we don't think of ourselves as one who creates. But we should. If we are made in the image of God, and I believe that is our fundamental identity, this means we possess something of God's power to create in us. And when His Spirit is alive and active in us, the power to create is magnified.
We tend to limit being creative to artistic work or new ideas and solutions but to create also means in a more fundamental sense to bring something (that is not currently there) into existence; to make something happen or give rise to something that did not currently exist. What separates our creative power from God's is his ability to create ex nihilo: out of nothing. We are creative from and with the "materials" we have been provided; God brings into existence something from nothing.
Maybe you are wondering how this applies to you? Maybe you do not think you can or have created anything or if you have it is not of much value. Please stop thinking that. There are two basic effects of our creative powers: the power to create something useful and good, or the power to destroy. We are either building something up or tearing something down. Jesus says in the Gospel of John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may life, and have it to the full."
Consider your life and what effect it is having. You are a force. You have power to create. What creative forces are working within you? Examine your actions, your words, and your behavior. Are they life giving or life destroying? Consider your relationships. If you are married is your spouse growing and thriving? Have the two of you created a full life or is your marriage falling apart? What about other relationships? Are they fruitful and productive? What kind of creation are you making of your life?
Love the One Your With (for life)
How satisfied are you in your marriage? That is a loaded question for many couples. One of the marital satisfaction assessments I use with couples I see for counseling a very pointed question is asked: "Would you marry the same person again?" Obviously a "No" answer is an indication of just how difficult saving this marriage will be. There has been so much pain, difficulty, and disconnection in the relationship that the person cannot imagine going through that experience again. They believe they made a mistake and married the wrong person.
In our society there is still a strong expectation that we are to marry for life. Even though this expectation appears to be weakening most marriage vows include something like "till death do us part". We are making an incredible commitment and many of us fail to keep it with divorce likely for 43-46 percent in the first 15 years of marriage. It is interesting that the divorce rate has come down from a high of 53 percent in 1979. I do not believe we are getting better at relationships, especially long term committed ones. I believe some of that decline is due to more people choosing not to marry. In fact, 59% of the population is married, down from 62% in 1990 and 72% in 1970 (http://www.divorcemag.com/statistics/statsus.shtml). There is an apparent trend that marriage as an expected rite of passage of adult life is losing momentum.
Maybe one of the reasons for the decline in the number of marriages is due to fear of failing. Individuals who have observed their own family's failure to stay together may want to avoid the pain and trauma of divorce. Of course that assumes that "getting married" has anything to do with relationship pain and trauma. When any involved and "committed" (whether for life or not) relationship breaks up, there is pain and trauma. Just remember, or ask your teenager, what it was like to break up with someone in high school.
It is obvious to anyone who has been in a committed relationship that we are designed for relationships to last. Why else would it be so painful when we lose a relationship if we were not made for lasting attachments to one another? We can even think of ourselves as an "attaching species". Think about it: we become a part of, attached to many things like organizations, communities, teams, churches, etc. Something about our identity is in whatever or whomever we join. It is possible to even think of addictions as attachment disorders. We become overly attached to and engaged with substances and behaviors. We even become identified by the substance we are addicted to; "I am an alcoholic". Most, if not all addictions have roots in poor or dysfunctional parental attachments. A major component of any recovery program is finding a healing community of available and responsive people. That is part of the power of Alcoholics Anonymous.
If you happen to find yourself in a difficult relationship and you believe getting out of it will solve your problem, please think again. You will find something or someone else to attach to or become a part of that defines your identity and it may be worse than what you already have. Please consider working on your present relationship and learning how to make it work. We can learn to establish secure, safe and rewarding relationships; we are made to be in harmony with one another.
I regularly counsel couples whose marriages are struggling. It is something of a passion of mine to help preserve marriages. My marriage has lasted 19 years this week, May 14th. Notice how I say "lasted" as if it is supposed to not last. I should say I have been married 19 years. I never really think or wonder about my marriage not lasting. I know it will except death do us part. Obviously I have a wonderful wife and life mate who whole heartedly loves me. Many people think she must be a saint to love me as wholly as she does. I agree. I can be a difficult person to live with; but then so can we all.
Couples come into my office often voicing a similar sentiment of never concerning themselves with their marriage not lasting. And then something happens that threatens the relationship like an affair, or a sickness like depression or cancer, or some other event that weakens the marital bond. There are basically two kinds of marriage; those that have a secure bond and those that don't. Those with a secure bond can endure most anything life throws at them. Those with an insecure bond usually can't.
Dr. John Bowlby believes, and years of research and development of his theory of human attachment confirms, that we are biologically wired for a few intimate relationships. In other words, we are created to have close, secure, and safe relationships with a few individuals or "significant others". It is the way things are supposed to be, and it is exactly what God did as described in the creation account of Genesis. Something in us is wired to expect someone to be there for us and with us. As God says in Genesis, "it is not good for man to be alone." Attachment is a fundamental fact of life and we should expect our parents or other caregiver to be there for us and for our marriages to be "built to last".
There really are no surprises when significant human relationships go as designed. We develop a secure sense that we are important to someone else and they are important to us. Simply, someone is there for us who we can trust and depend upon and because of this we realize we are valuable. This helps us develop a secure sense of self and we come to "expect" that others will love us and we will love others. We have a fundamental confidence that relationships will work.
When Adam said to Eve: "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh", it is a statement reflecting the fundamental created oneness of man and woman. When a man and a woman are united and joined into a one flesh union as husband and wife it is a relationship that is 'built to last" because it is basic and fundamental to who we are. Just like we are made for living and breathing in an oxygenated environment so are we made to be together; vulnerable, naked and unashamed.
Please view your loved one without all their coverings of fear and defensiveness based on a lie that we are not acceptable and lovable just as we are.
Bones, Spock, and Captain Kirk
Any one of us knows the joy and pain of relationships. Of course this statement fits only if we are emotionally engaged with them. It is the "stuff" that makes relationships dynamic and vibrant. It is also the stuff that makes them painful and difficult.
What does it mean to be emotionally engaged and how do you tell if you are? Why is it so important that we be emotionally engaged or attached to our children or our spouse or our friends? What is the big deal about emotions anyway? Well, it turns out that emotion is central to how our brain works, especially with memory. In fact, everything we experience in life is being assessed by our amygdala, the so called center of the emotional brain, and it processes information before we even know it. Do you remember the last time you became emotional? Think about a recent emotional experience like becoming angry or sad. You were "into" the emotion before you had time to think. The emotion is just there, it is not something you make happen like when you figure something out with your "thinking brain" and put the plan into action.
Some individuals find it very difficult or even "alien" to experience intense emotions or they are very restricted in their emotional expression. It might be that the only emotion they experience is anger or fear. It is like their emotional brain is not as active or sensitive to emotional experience. If you have ever seen Star Trek episodes then you know of Spock and how "human emotions" are alien to him and his decisions are made solely by logic. Or, if you know someone who has experienced a stroke their emotional expression is different. For some stroke victims there is no emotion associated with anything. They are extremely flat and unresponsive and very difficult to connect with. We need emotional expression to connect with one another.
Another character in Star Trek is the contrast to Spock; it is Bones, the passionate and emotional physician who is constantly frustrated with Spock's cold logic. Bones is emotional about practically everything especially when it involves relationships. He is always accusing Spock of not "caring" because he believes Spock's decisions and actions are unaffected by what happens to others. And of course Bones' actions are almost always effected by how it affects others and he places a premium in his decision making on what it will mean to someone else. Sometimes this clouds his judgment.
And then there is Captain Kirk. He is the balance point to both Spock and Bones. Where they are metaphorical extremes, he is the metaphorical center point, making decisions considerate of both emotion and logic. Captain Kirk is the model of how our brain is supposed to work. He is passionate and emotionally engaged with his crew and friends but able to make the "tough" decisions when necessary. He is able to engage both his "emotional brain" and his "thinking brain". One does not dominate the other and his decisions are better, more likely to be the right one because he is using his whole brain to make the call.
Which character do you identify with? Consider your important, significant relationships and assess if you are more of a Spock or a Bones. Maybe Captain Kirk describes you. More likely, we find that we can be all three depending on the circumstance. Try and observe in what situations you are more likely to be emotionally engaged and calmly considering options like Captain Kirk. What circumstance brings out the "Bones" in you where emotional expression dominates? When are you primarily considering the facts regardless of its affect on others?
Work on becoming more aware of what circumstances and contexts bring out which Star Trek character. It is in those circumstances where a Bones or Spock dominates that we have growing to do. When Captain Kirk shows up, we have learned that we can both emotionally connect and thoughtfully consider options to make sound judgments.
We all know that those closest to us are the ones that can hurt us. The members of our family or our spouse are those with whom we are most vulnerable and therefore most exposed to being disappointed. When we are vulnerable we open ourselves by letting down our guard and allowing those who love us to be close. What our family or loved ones say and do to or about us has an impact on us; they have the power to affect us. Being hurt by a loved one is like a dog lying on its back, wagging its tail anticipating its belly being rubbed or scratched and instead it gets picked up by its paws and thrown across the room. The dog was calmly and restfully expecting love and affection and instead is assaulted. Sometimes we treat the ones we love just like that. We cause one another to suffer.
One of the definitions of betrayal is to cause suffering. Betraying someone is to turn someone over to suffering. Contrast that with the definition of compassion. It means to suffer with someone. If we cause someone we love to suffer by how we treat them then we are betraying them. If we enter into someone's suffering then we are being compassionate with them. In families, marriages and other intimate relationships we often find ourselves betraying in one context and offering compassion in another. Our betrayer can also become our source of compassion and vice-versa. This is a characteristic that make relationships so difficult and confusing. It will take some effort of reassurance before the dog you threw across the room will let you scratch his belly again. The only way to do this is to offer compassion, to enter into and own the suffering you caused.
I have often thought about Judas and why he hung himself. He betrayed Jesus turning him over to suffering. The great paradox is that Judas' betrayal brings salvation to those who believe in Jesus. Jesus' death on the cross is God's awesome demonstration of compassion. According to the Bible, he suffered with and for us in order that we might be set free from sin. Our betrayal of Jesus is not too different from Judas' betrayal. We too have turned Him over to suffering because of our sin. But when we receive salvation from the Cross we participate in the compassion of Jesus. We believe that He loves us no matter what we have done. Judas' suicide is a commentary on what happens when we believe compassion is not available for us. If we believe like Judas that we must bear our suffering alone there is no place for suffering to go and it destroys us.
In our intimate relationships we need to understand this relationship between betrayal and compassion. We need to be able to enter into one another's suffering even if we are the cause of that suffering. Being compassionate with one another, being willing to suffer with each other opens up the door to freedom from suffering. Otherwise it will destroy the relationship; just ask the dog.
There were a couple of new events recently that caught anyone's attention who saw them. One was the brutal beating of a young girl shown on You Tube by her so called friends and the other was a report on out of control behavior by students on spring break. According to the Florida story on www.momlogic.com spring break is not what it used to be. The extent and degree of drinking, drug use, and sexual promiscuity is significantly increased from twenty, fifteen and even ten years ago. If any of you went on spring break during those years then you can imagine how severely dysfunctional and self destructive the behavior must be for it to be considered distressingly worse. No wonder parents worry about their kids.
The O'Reilly Factor reported on this story and had a "Family Therapist" on to discuss and analyze the issue. Like the "animalistic beating" of the teenage girl by a gang of "girlfriends" these students were displaying and strutting their stuff for a camera and the video finds its way to the internet. After a shallow and silly comment by the family therapist that the problem is due to extended adolescence without adult responsibility O'Reilly redirects that a significant factor to this display of extreme behavior is a lack of shame. That is, they do not care who sees them. That is the point of shame; not wanting to be seen. If you have a sense of shame, you want to keep your shameful behavior in the dark so no one knows what you did. If you lack shame you put it on display and shove it into peoples' faces.
Lack of shame is a calloused and hardened place to be. Most likely, many of the kids on spring break will wake up horrified by what they did and said for all to see once they are not under the influence of substances. The beating of the young girl is another story. There is no report that they were "under the influence" of anything other than brutal rage. All of this raises significant questions for our culture.
The two commentators rightly conclude that a lack of parenting plays a significant role in lack of shame. That begs the question how parenting affects the development of shame. A lack of shame reflects an absence of value, meaning and purpose. Kids without shame are those kids that have figured out whether consciously or not that they are on their own. Their lives feel purposeless, meaningless and valueless because they believe deeply in their being that what they do doesn't matter to anyone. So what does it matter how they act or who sees it?
The most effective parents are those who have a meaningful relationship with their child. Their child knows, despite all the struggles, battles, arguments, and drama that their parents love them more than they love themselves. These are not "helicopter parents" hovering endlessly over their kids directing and protecting them. These are parents who genuinely love being with their kids and invest their lives in giving them life. Their kids know their life has value, meaning, and purpose because what is more important than anything else, more important than what they do or how successful they are or what kind of trouble they cause, is having a relationship with their child. "You are my son or my daughter and I love having you as a part of my life."
Place of Pain, Place of Hope
Every week couples come into my office facing a crisis in their marriage. They are typically at the end of their rope with each other and are often ready to separate. They are asking the question would I be better off if I were not with this person. They are wondering if their life would be more full to have their partner out of their life, to no longer be joined and responsible for being with their mate. The marital relationship has become something to avoid and get away from; it has become a place of pain. Marriage counseling is often a last gasp effort that hardly seems worth the trouble. It is hard work and requires the facing of our failures, another place of pain. For any couple to go through this there has to be the hope of a good marriage.
Most of us have an idea of what marriage is supposed to be like and many have a marriage that is full of love, commitment, safety and companionship. The good marriage is that picture of two people facing the challenges of life together and enjoying each other physically and emotionally. We see that picture in romantic movies, novels, and love songs. For those distressed couples sitting in my office this picture does not match their experience. I regularly hear them say that they are ready to give up on the idea of marriage believing that they have somehow been duped into entering into it in the first place: "If I had known how bad this would be I never would have gotten married and I will not make the same mistake again." I believe many people have had a similar thought even if never acted upon.
According to recent research conducted by the George Barna Group (www.barna.org) four out of five adults have been married; that is 78% of adults have been married and only 22% have never been married. Also, of those who have been married, one third or 33% have experienced at least one divorce. In spite of this rate of divorced individuals, marriage is a choice most make, even a second or third time. Marriage is obviously something people regularly do. So is divorce. As George Barna says: "There no longer seems to be much of a stigma attached to divorce; it is now seen as an unavoidable rite of passage… Interviews with young adults suggest that they want their initial marriage to last, but are not particularly optimistic about that possibility. There is also evidence that many young people are moving toward embracing the idea of serial marriage, in which a person gets married two or three times, seeking a different partner for each phase of their adult life."
The "idea of serial marriage" is a scary thought. Serial marriage means serial divorce and that brings to mind "serial murder". If you have ever been divorced or witnessed divorce as a child of a divorced couple, images of murder are not far off the mark. The emotional and material consequences of divorce have been well documented. Few divorces end amicably and they all involve, at the very least loss, a painful experience. No divorced person I know has ever denied that ending their marriage was painful.
It is ironic that couples who divorce are attempting to get out of a place of pain only to most likely enter into a more painful experience of divorce. Of course, pain can be all consuming and the present experience of pain is not dulled by a future promise of greater pain. We want the pain to stop now and getting away from a marriage that has become a place of pain dominates our motivation. If George Barna is right that there is a trend toward serial marriage (and divorce) it raises several questions, not the least of which is how well you are able to tolerate emotional pain. Maybe this trend of serial marriage is a dysfunctional way of coping with pain? Maybe many of us have don't know how to tolerate emotional pain so we run from one painful situation to the next.
What kind of pain are you willing to tolerate; the pain of a distressed marriage or the pain of separation and loss? Do you really think running from one marriage and divorce to the next marriage and divorce will solve your pain? Why not consider tolerating the pain, the frustration and the challenge of repairing a distressed marriage? Marriages can be repaired and restored. It is hard work and it does involve pain. A good marriage is not a false hope; you have not been duped into believing in and hoping for a good marriage. Your marriage can be good.