Bones, Spock, and Captain Kirk
Any one of us knows the joy and pain of relationships. Of course this statement fits only if we are emotionally engaged with them. It is the "stuff" that makes relationships dynamic and vibrant. It is also the stuff that makes them painful and difficult.
What does it mean to be emotionally engaged and how do you tell if you are? Why is it so important that we be emotionally engaged or attached to our children or our spouse or our friends? What is the big deal about emotions anyway? Well, it turns out that emotion is central to how our brain works, especially with memory. In fact, everything we experience in life is being assessed by our amygdala, the so called center of the emotional brain, and it processes information before we even know it. Do you remember the last time you became emotional? Think about a recent emotional experience like becoming angry or sad. You were "into" the emotion before you had time to think. The emotion is just there, it is not something you make happen like when you figure something out with your "thinking brain" and put the plan into action.
Some individuals find it very difficult or even "alien" to experience intense emotions or they are very restricted in their emotional expression. It might be that the only emotion they experience is anger or fear. It is like their emotional brain is not as active or sensitive to emotional experience. If you have ever seen Star Trek episodes then you know of Spock and how "human emotions" are alien to him and his decisions are made solely by logic. Or, if you know someone who has experienced a stroke their emotional expression is different. For some stroke victims there is no emotion associated with anything. They are extremely flat and unresponsive and very difficult to connect with. We need emotional expression to connect with one another.
Another character in Star Trek is the contrast to Spock; it is Bones, the passionate and emotional physician who is constantly frustrated with Spock's cold logic. Bones is emotional about practically everything especially when it involves relationships. He is always accusing Spock of not "caring" because he believes Spock's decisions and actions are unaffected by what happens to others. And of course Bones' actions are almost always effected by how it affects others and he places a premium in his decision making on what it will mean to someone else. Sometimes this clouds his judgment.
And then there is Captain Kirk. He is the balance point to both Spock and Bones. Where they are metaphorical extremes, he is the metaphorical center point, making decisions considerate of both emotion and logic. Captain Kirk is the model of how our brain is supposed to work. He is passionate and emotionally engaged with his crew and friends but able to make the "tough" decisions when necessary. He is able to engage both his "emotional brain" and his "thinking brain". One does not dominate the other and his decisions are better, more likely to be the right one because he is using his whole brain to make the call.
Which character do you identify with? Consider your important, significant relationships and assess if you are more of a Spock or a Bones. Maybe Captain Kirk describes you. More likely, we find that we can be all three depending on the circumstance. Try and observe in what situations you are more likely to be emotionally engaged and calmly considering options like Captain Kirk. What circumstance brings out the "Bones" in you where emotional expression dominates? When are you primarily considering the facts regardless of its affect on others?
Work on becoming more aware of what circumstances and contexts bring out which Star Trek character. It is in those circumstances where a Bones or Spock dominates that we have growing to do. When Captain Kirk shows up, we have learned that we can both emotionally connect and thoughtfully consider options to make sound judgments.
Place of Pain, Place of Hope
Every week couples come into my office facing a crisis in their marriage. They are typically at the end of their rope with each other and are often ready to separate. They are asking the question would I be better off if I were not with this person. They are wondering if their life would be more full to have their partner out of their life, to no longer be joined and responsible for being with their mate. The marital relationship has become something to avoid and get away from; it has become a place of pain. Marriage counseling is often a last gasp effort that hardly seems worth the trouble. It is hard work and requires the facing of our failures, another place of pain. For any couple to go through this there has to be the hope of a good marriage.
Most of us have an idea of what marriage is supposed to be like and many have a marriage that is full of love, commitment, safety and companionship. The good marriage is that picture of two people facing the challenges of life together and enjoying each other physically and emotionally. We see that picture in romantic movies, novels, and love songs. For those distressed couples sitting in my office this picture does not match their experience. I regularly hear them say that they are ready to give up on the idea of marriage believing that they have somehow been duped into entering into it in the first place: "If I had known how bad this would be I never would have gotten married and I will not make the same mistake again." I believe many people have had a similar thought even if never acted upon.
According to recent research conducted by the George Barna Group (www.barna.org) four out of five adults have been married; that is 78% of adults have been married and only 22% have never been married. Also, of those who have been married, one third or 33% have experienced at least one divorce. In spite of this rate of divorced individuals, marriage is a choice most make, even a second or third time. Marriage is obviously something people regularly do. So is divorce. As George Barna says: "There no longer seems to be much of a stigma attached to divorce; it is now seen as an unavoidable rite of passage… Interviews with young adults suggest that they want their initial marriage to last, but are not particularly optimistic about that possibility. There is also evidence that many young people are moving toward embracing the idea of serial marriage, in which a person gets married two or three times, seeking a different partner for each phase of their adult life."
The "idea of serial marriage" is a scary thought. Serial marriage means serial divorce and that brings to mind "serial murder". If you have ever been divorced or witnessed divorce as a child of a divorced couple, images of murder are not far off the mark. The emotional and material consequences of divorce have been well documented. Few divorces end amicably and they all involve, at the very least loss, a painful experience. No divorced person I know has ever denied that ending their marriage was painful.
It is ironic that couples who divorce are attempting to get out of a place of pain only to most likely enter into a more painful experience of divorce. Of course, pain can be all consuming and the present experience of pain is not dulled by a future promise of greater pain. We want the pain to stop now and getting away from a marriage that has become a place of pain dominates our motivation. If George Barna is right that there is a trend toward serial marriage (and divorce) it raises several questions, not the least of which is how well you are able to tolerate emotional pain. Maybe this trend of serial marriage is a dysfunctional way of coping with pain? Maybe many of us have don't know how to tolerate emotional pain so we run from one painful situation to the next.
What kind of pain are you willing to tolerate; the pain of a distressed marriage or the pain of separation and loss? Do you really think running from one marriage and divorce to the next marriage and divorce will solve your pain? Why not consider tolerating the pain, the frustration and the challenge of repairing a distressed marriage? Marriages can be repaired and restored. It is hard work and it does involve pain. A good marriage is not a false hope; you have not been duped into believing in and hoping for a good marriage. Your marriage can be good.
I am experiencing the privilege of having conversations with Dr. Sharon Hart May, the author of books on safe haven marriages. Her latest book, How to Argue So Your Spouse Will Listen is one I give to every couple I counsel. My conversations by teleconference are focusing on EFT or Emotionally Focused Therapy, an approach to marriage counseling developed by Drs Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg. A substantial body of research outlining the effectiveness of EFT now exists. Research studies find that 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery and approximately 90% show significant improvements. The only situation in which EFT is not indicated is on-going violence in the relationship. EFT is being used with many different kinds of couples in private practice, university training centers and hospital clinics and many different cultural groups. These distressed couples include partners suffering from disorders such as depression, post traumatic stress disorders and chronic illness. I have found this approach to be remarkably effective with couples I see and can affirm that my experience with EFT is consistent with the research results. This method really helps couples.
I have over twenty-five years of experience with couples and marriage. I am a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy and have taken numerous courses and workshops on how to help couples stay married and most of them have a documented success rate of around 35%. (One notable exception is Dr. John Gottman's work). I cannot express how frustrating and sad it is to watch couples make a decision to separate and divorce. I almost quit seeing couples who were in distress because I knew how unhelpful traditional marriage counseling was with true and meaningful results. I no longer feel that way and am now confident that with God and this method I can help any couple who desires to stay together or reconnect.
I do not make this statement lightly. I know it is bold. The couples that find their way to my office are in significant distress. There typically has been an affair or some other major betrayal or traumatic experience that severely stresses the relationship bond. There is great emotional pain present but the tools and means are available to help them restore, redeem, and transform their relationship and grow into loving union. I am humbled and grateful to participate in such a thing as this. Please tell any couple who is experiencing marital difficulties that real hope is available.
May Blessings Be in Your Day
I love (no pun intended) this quote from Henri Nouwen (a well known and respected Catholic theologian and spiritual director) about what love means: "Love means intimacy, closeness, mutual vulnerability, and a deep sense of safety." Obviously, I do not feel close to or intimate with his quote so my use of "love" is more about how much I like his quote. We use "love" to describe how we feel about so many different things, like "I love Coke," etc. that the word loses its power when we use it to describe how we feel about the person we love. Mr. Nouwen is using this to describe how we should be with God when we say He loves us and we love him. It is also how we should be with our spouse and best friend.
He goes on to say: "But all of those are impossible as long as there is fear. Fear creates suspicion, distance, defensiveness, and insecurity." Again, Mr. Nouwen is speaking in reference to fearing God but the same holds true for our intimate relationships. We cannot love God or one another if "fear" is at work in our relationships. You probably do not think of the word "fear" in reference to your spouse unless you are in an abusive relationship. But when you apply the words "suspicion, distance, defensiveness, and insecurity" how well do they fit? Or the converse; is your marriage or love relationship a place of "intimacy, mutual vulnerability, and a deep sense of safety"?
The amazing thing is this, both in our relationship with God and with each other, that if we know someone loves us, if our answer is yes to love and no to fear, then we are able to tolerate seemingly unbearable stress. We may experience significant conflict with our spouse, parent or friend or go through excruciating challenges, but if we know that at the end of the day, they love us, desire us, want to be close to us, honest and open with us, and genuinely care about our welfare, then the relationship is secure and we are secure.
Are you saying yes to love and no to fear? If not, your relationship is in trouble and it will not stand up to the challenges and stress of life. The good news is it does not have to remain that way. Begin working to eliminate the causes of fear in your relationships and allow the power of love to work its magic.
I sit with many couples that have gone through adultery, or in the modern vernacular, "having an affair". The terms don't exactly mean the same thing. One of the definitions of affair in the dictionary is "a sexual relationship between two people not married to each other." Adultery on the other hand is defined as "voluntary sexual relations between a married person and somebody other than his or her spouse." Technically, having an affair does not necessarily carry the weight of betrayal associated with adultery. And betrayal is a heavy weight to carry.
Another term for such behavior is infidelity. I think this definition captures the event in more descriptive and accurate language: "unfaithfulness or disloyalty, especially to a sexual partner." Interestingly, infidelity is also defined as disbelief or "the absence of religious belief"; thus the term "infidel" or nonbeliever. The authors of the Old Testament would often describe the Israelites who turned away from God toward pagan gods as adulterers. They were disloyal and unfaithful to the covenant they had made with Him. He was to be there God and they were to have no other god before Him. A marriage is a similar covenant between two people. We are to be faithful to one another, and not just sexually.
Problems with faithfulness begin way before sexual unfaithfulness occurs. Infidelity may happen often and in many ways other than committing adultery and we need to guard our faithfulness and loyalty to our mate. When we are unfaithful or disloyal to our mate we betray them, just like we betray our Lord when we are unfaithful to him. Heavy stuff if you're not an infidel!
What does it mean to be faithful to your mate? One place to begin is to pay attention to how you think about, view, and treat your mate. How faithful are you to one another in the little things? Do you respect what they desire even if it seems silly to you? Do you defend one another and stand up for each other in the face of criticism or attack? Does your mate know that you are there for them no matter what, or do they wonder if they have to stand on their own? Can your mate trust your word; your promise to do what you say you will do? If you ask your mate: "Do you believe, know that I am on your side; that I stand with you through thick and thin (or sickness and health) and will never leave you", how do you think they will answer?
Men and women are different. Anyone who has been in a heterogeneous relationship knows this. In fact, the word heterogeneous means exactly this; "consisting of parts or aspects that are unrelated or unlike each other." No wonder marriage can be so difficult! The way a man and woman argue is one specific way that we are different. Dr. John Gottman, a marital researcher has documented the different physiological reactions of men and women during an argument. Because our marriage, and any other significant relationships where there is an emotional bond or attachment, is critically important to our well being our stress response is triggered when the relationship is threatened. And men and women respond to this threat in radically different ways.
Dr. Gottman found that most men, in the midst of an argument where they are feeling pursued and attacked, or cornered, react as though their wife is a real physical threat. We men tend to gear up to physically defend ourselves like we would if we had to battle a lion or a warrior. Due to higher levels of testosterone, men's physiological arousal is one of heightened vigilance, increased heart rate and blood pressure. We are physically ready for war. Not exactly conducive for resolving an emotional conflict; we are not looking for a hug and an "I'm sorry honey, I really didn't mean that"! At the moment, and for a significant period of time thereafter, men are not physically able to respond in an emotionally connective way.
Amazingly, our heterogeneous other is able to do that. Women have higher levels of the hormone oxytocin, the bonding hormone. When experiencing similar relational stress, women are more inclined to socialize and nurture, not fight. Their natural tendency is to want to connect and give care so they pursue and persist. In the midst of an emotional conflict woman are wired with a greater ability to calm themselves. Men, on the other hand, take longer to settle down and usually need separation and space to do that.
If your spouse, most likely your husband, responds to emotional stress like a lion is about to devour him, then give him time and space to settle down. There is a critical condition to allowing this disengagement; there must be agreement to return and engage at a later time. Many couples will simply remove themselves and ignore what went on because experience tells them the same cycle will repeat. This is disastrous for the long term health of your relationship and you must develop the skills and resources to comfort and connect in the midst of conflict. Appreciating the different ways men and women are created can make a huge difference in accomplishing that.
What is one of the most, if not the most important aspect of your life? What is it that if you have this day in and day out you will be more likely to live longer, stay healthy, and feel satisfied with life? It is a successful marriage. Research study after study supports that married people live longer, get sick less often, have more economic resources, and feel more satisfied with life. This does not mean that single people are left out of the party. It is apparent that single individuals who have a significant community of intimate relationships where they are known, loved, and supported fare very well. It is social, emotional separation and isolation that is so destructive to our well being; and we can experience this even if we are married.
We are designed for relationships, and just like a virus on a computer, a bad relationship makes our system run poorly. What constitutes a bad relationship? The virus in our significant relationships is lack of emotional connection. According to Attachment theory, we were designed with a biological, emotional, and behavioral attachment system; included in that design is an emotional thermostat that monitors and attempts to correct the virus of emotional disconnection, just like virus detection software on our computers.
What is the most disrupting influence on how your day goes? When you are experiencing difficulties in your married or family life that set off your emotional thermostat how well do you concentrate and perform that day? Are you not distracted by intrusive thoughts and feelings that pull at you like a boat pulling a water tube? If you have ever been or seen "tubing" you know what I mean. The motorboat pulls and jerks and flips you around. You are hanging on for dear life trying not to let the boat operator toss you off. When there is emotional disconnection from your intimate partner who you look to for comfort, support, understanding, acceptance and appreciation, it causes an emotional "water tubing" effect of separation and isolation.
Most of us will do most anything to get off the emotional "water tube" and reconnect. We instinctively know that we perform better when we are connected so we work to restore the disconnection to our mate or significant other. Try paying attention to your emotional thermostat and how it affects you when you feel threatened in your significant relationships. When you feel disconnected and separated from them, notice how this affects you. You will become more aware of how important such relationships are and how much we need each other to live as we are designed to live.
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