Love’s Paradox

We do not usually talk about our failure in a public forum. This is especially poignant during a presidential campaign where the only failure talked about is the opponent's. Failure is understood to mean when something falls short of what is required or expected; it is unsuccessful, the desired goal is not achieved. There is something negative about failure and yet conventional wisdom of successful people is that they often learn more from their failures than their successes. I wish the political process would allow for that but in America it is all about being right and winning. American culture does not tolerate failure very well.

I am in a business where what we do, therapy, often fails; at least in the short term it appears to be a failure. This week I have seen two marriages fall apart, one that is farther down the road of divorce and one that is dangerously tittering on the precipice of divorce. One might be salvaged; one most likely will not be salvaged. So what have I learned from my mistakes, from failure? What can I take away from this that will make therapy more successful next time?

I think I am asking the wrong question and looking at this failure the wrong way. Yes, I expect to help every marriage that walks in my door. I expect success because I am trained and I have seen much success before with couples. I am trained and learning more about EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) which has a great research track record of significantly improving marriages 75-80% of the time. But what makes the difference? Why do some respond and others do not?

I wrote to one of the spouses who do not want to end their marriage that without vulnerability love does not happen; it cannot thrive. It is choked off in self protective armor that stifles and restricts and bounces back every attempt of love's embrace. What in the world would make someone reject love? Why would anyone do that!? Because what is offered is not perceived by the receiver as love; the source of love is seen as anything but loving. They are afraid, for whatever reason(s) to be vulnerable.

I am grieved by these couples' pain. I hate that our efforts ended in a lack of success; that love did not win the day but disappointment and rejection did. I don't know if there is anything more painful than a failed relationship except that it is tempered by the hope of finding love somewhere down the road. We are usually eternal optimists when it comes to love. In fact, many relationships end precisely because someone decides they can find love with someone else. But in divorce someone has decided that love does not happen for them in this relationship. How sad and painful is that.

I want to be honest about my failure to help and to love. It does no good to pretend we have all the answers or pretend that we will not fail. In fact, if conventional wisdom is true, failure is necessary but this conventional wisdom is only true if we do not quit trying. We are meant to love. It is what we are designed to do. We are lovers, and love is most fully realized in a monogamous relationship. It cannot be found in a series of relationships because serial relationships do not require commitment and thus avoid vulnerability. If I am never safe enough to risk being hurt, that is be open to being misunderstood, not valued, or accepted then I can never know love. This is the paradox of love; it can only happen when we are open to its failure. For us to know love, to experience love in our life we must be willing to suffer the pain of rejection, the disappointment of being misunderstood, and still hold out hope that love, in the long run, will not disappoint.

The Scaffold of Relationship

Preparing for a seminar on "How to Connect in the Middle of a Fight", I have been considering a couple of movies that might have good examples of Attachment issues. I am looking for brief segments that capture the essence of the movement of our attachment dance. Sometimes it is much easier to see the dance of relationship than it is to listen to someone describe it. Two movies came to mind, The Story of Us and Kramer vs. Kramer, both movies about a couple struggling with their marriage and the effect it has on their family. In Kramer vs. Kramer there is a wonderful presentation of a father and son bonding after the wife and mother leave. You can see the movement of an unattached and emotionally clueless husband and father learning to connect with his son who has been abandoned by his mother, and come to terms with his role in losing his wife. (If you are offended by a few expletives or nudity do not watch either movie but I hope you do watch them.)

Sue Johnson, in her book Hold Me Tight makes a compelling point that attachment needs are "absolute", meaning fundamental to who we are and how we are designed. That is, our hardware won't operate to its full potential, and is often damaged, without the software system of human bonding. "Attachment is the bottom line, the scaffold on which other elements (of a relationship like sex, caretaking, play, work, etc.) are built. Without secure, safe and bonded relationships, especially during childhood, but also in adulthood, we will not have fully satisfying personal relationships or develop into fully functioning human beings.

Dustin Hoffman, the father in Kramer vs. Kramer makes the journey with his son that Dr. Sue Johnson describes as necessary for creating such relationships: "To achieve a lasting loving bond, we have to be able to tune in to our deepest needs and longings and translate them into clear signals that help our lovers respond to us. We have to be able to accept love and to reciprocate. Above all, we have to recognize and accept the primal code of attachment rather than attempting to dismiss and bypass it. In many love relationships, attachment needs and fears are hidden agendas, directing the action but never being acknowledged. It is time to acknowledge these agendas so that we can actively shape the love we so badly need. "

Like many of us, Dustin Hoffman's character has very little idea of his significant longings and needs but when thrust into caring for his son he chooses to care. He accepts "the primal code of attachment" and does not dismiss or run from it. Refusing to abandon his son, he learns what love is and how to love. There is a remarkable scene where his son falls off a jungle gym and busts his face. His father was attuned to the danger, tried to prevent it and then runs with his son in his arms to the emergency room, refusing to leave him during his treatment. Contrast these scenes with earlier ones of his hapless attempts to care for his son. He becomes a likable, compassionate human being who is there for his son. It is a journey and transformation we all must make to become fully human.

Many of us, particularly men, might question Mr. Kramer's manhood or challenge how important all this really is. His boss certainly does. He is an example of dismissing the basic need of relationship; he is attached to his career. Learning to acknowledge our attachment needs and fears in an open and responsive manner is not emotional sentimentalism. It is rather recognizing that we need the basic scaffold in place in order to build an enduring structure. Without the basic structure of knowing ourselves and facing our fears, being able to communicate and ask for what we need, and being vulnerable enough to receive what we need, we will continue to experience disappointment and failure in our intimate and meaningful relationships. In other words, we will continue to experience disappointment and dissatisfaction with life.

There are many examples that I can give of when I "dismissed and bypassed" my basic need for close, safe, and bonded relationship. I put many other things first, like success, career, sensual enjoyment, demanding my own way, or preferring to be alone. Like Mr. Kramer, my children have taught me to pay attention to building the scaffold of relationship for enduring and rewarding attachments. There is nothing more enduring, more powerful, than an attached relationship. It is something that we all hunger for and what we commonly name love. Do you know your hunger or do you dismiss or deny it?

Sharing our Insides

For the next few days I encourage you to pay attention to what you say and how you treat those you most care about. Listen to the words you use and how you say and use them. Pay attention to the emotional state or feeling behind your words and actions. Are you feeling irritated or angry? Maybe you feel lonely or disconnected like nothing much matters. Perhaps you are joyful or light hearted and you feel like nothing could change this good mood. Or maybe you are feeling bored. There is so much more in how we communicate than necessarily what we communicate.

When something is bothering you it is very difficult to shake the bother out. It sticks with you unless you just deny what bothers you and act like it doesn't matter. Attempting to identify and sift out emotional responses can be very difficult for some. For others it comes easily and they know exactly how they are feeling and are able to identify the feeling. This is an incredibly important skill.

In the language of attachment, this is the ability of reflection. We are able to step back and observe our emotional reactions without being consumed or controlled by them. You are then able to talk about what you are feeling with some degree of objectivity. Reflection also includes our thoughts and physical sensations. It is self awareness of our internal life and without it we are unable to understand ourselves and consequently unable to empathize and emotionally connect with someone else.

Most of us have some capacity for reflection or self awareness. It is developed in the flow of our primary family relationships and it is directly related to our degree of emotional security. Children of chaotic, abusive, or emotionally neglectful families have very little capacity for identifying and communicating their emotional states. In emotionally charged moments they are likely to be caught up in a sea of swirling and sometimes violent emotions which carries them along in a fearful rush. They are emotionally hijacked and the thinking, self observing part of their brain, the prefrontal cortex, is disengaged. The only thing that is communicated is raw, negative feeling. And it likely overwhelms whoever is on the receiving end.

For the majority of us who are able to manage our emotional reactions and actions in the heat of the battle, we still experience them, along with negative thoughts and physical reactions to the battle. And we need to do something with them. If as children we were able to go to our parent and receive comfort, support and understanding then we likely are able to seek someone out and do the same thing.

It is very important that we realize how much we need each other to do this. Too often we stuff what we are experiencing inside. As you're paying attention to the emotional background of your words and actions and you become aware of your thoughts and feelings, let the other person in on your experience. It is amazing how this simple act of sharing our insides opens the door to healing and deeper intimacy.

I have recently become aware of the connection for me between feeling bored and over eating. This might be obvious to many of you but it was a revelation to me. I never really realized how often I felt bored and that I really did not know what to do with the feeling. I had no self awareness or capacity for reflection regarding feeling bored. And I dealt with the emotional agitation this caused by eating. I am learning to pay more attention to when I am feeling bored and what is boring me. I am talking about this with my wife and other people I trust. And I am consuming fewer calories, and letting my wife get to know more of me.

Dark Knight Dialogues

In the book, Hold Me Tight, one that I highly recommend for couples that are struggling with maintaining a loving relationship, Sue Johnson, the founder of EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) describes couples' "Demon Dialogues". They are Find the Bad Guy or the blame game where couples place fault for problems on each other rather than owning their respective responsibility. The second one she names Protest Polka or pursue-withdraw where one partner is feeling an unsafe disconnection from their mate and is noisily pursuing reassurance while the other feels just as unsafe but is pulling away. The final demon dialogue is the most debilitating and the one that couples are most often stuck in when seeking marriage counseling. It is Freeze and Flee or withdraw-withdraw where both partners have put their emotions in a self protective deep freeze. John Gottman, an eminent marital researcher refers to this as "stonewalling", where the other partner is emotionally "walled out".

Almost all couples experience episodes of demon dialogues. Ever since Adam blamed God and Eve for his eating of the apple, deflecting personal responsibility and blaming someone else is a reliable ploy. Protesting, even angrily, is a normal response to feeling disconnected from the one you love. We need emotional security and it comes in the form of our intimate other. The "protest" in Protest Polka is also referred to as "anger of hope" because we hope someone will hear us and respond. When we are hurt and feel misunderstood it is not unusual to pull away and lick our wounds. It becomes critical when we stay emotionally closed and sealed believing our partner is like an enemy. Most couples are able to recognize what is going on and pull back from totally disconnecting, especially when it begins to threaten the marital bond. If the Freeze and Flee pattern continues, divorce is usually not far away.

How safe and responsive is your mate or loved one? Maybe you do not even think about your relationship is these terms but you should. When we make ourselves vulnerable to someone in the name of love we expose our being or heart to the pain of rejection. Every one of us asks the fundamental human question "Am I loved". The answer determines much of the course of our life, especially our relationships.

There are two basic responses to threats to our emotional vulnerable selves. One is to avoid emotional engagement; the other is to anxiously demand safe attachment. We have either made a decision to stay away from emotional connection or we are critically demanding it. These "Demon Dialogues" are born out of threats to our emotional well being and once that threat is communicated, we need to drop the demon in dialogue. And it is amazing what happens when we learn to recognize our "demons" and let them go. Which demon are you most likely to participate in?

We all long for connection and safe place where love is real. Do you believe that? If you are asking the basic question "Am I loved?" don't you think your partner is too? We all need the same thing when it comes to relationships and the power of believing that and acting as if it is true is amazing. A friend of mine that has great wisdom once said to someone who was complaining about how unwilling people in her life were to be vulnerable and close, that if she became safe for others they will be safe with her. How true this is.

Bones, Spock, and Captain Kirk

Any one of us knows the joy and pain of relationships. Of course this statement fits only if we are emotionally engaged with them. It is the "stuff" that makes relationships dynamic and vibrant. It is also the stuff that makes them painful and difficult.

What does it mean to be emotionally engaged and how do you tell if you are? Why is it so important that we be emotionally engaged or attached to our children or our spouse or our friends? What is the big deal about emotions anyway? Well, it turns out that emotion is central to how our brain works, especially with memory. In fact, everything we experience in life is being assessed by our amygdala, the so called center of the emotional brain, and it processes information before we even know it. Do you remember the last time you became emotional? Think about a recent emotional experience like becoming angry or sad. You were "into" the emotion before you had time to think. The emotion is just there, it is not something you make happen like when you figure something out with your "thinking brain" and put the plan into action.

Some individuals find it very difficult or even "alien" to experience intense emotions or they are very restricted in their emotional expression. It might be that the only emotion they experience is anger or fear. It is like their emotional brain is not as active or sensitive to emotional experience. If you have ever seen Star Trek episodes then you know of Spock and how "human emotions" are alien to him and his decisions are made solely by logic. Or, if you know someone who has experienced a stroke their emotional expression is different. For some stroke victims there is no emotion associated with anything. They are extremely flat and unresponsive and very difficult to connect with. We need emotional expression to connect with one another.

Another character in Star Trek is the contrast to Spock; it is Bones, the passionate and emotional physician who is constantly frustrated with Spock's cold logic. Bones is emotional about practically everything especially when it involves relationships. He is always accusing Spock of not "caring" because he believes Spock's decisions and actions are unaffected by what happens to others. And of course Bones' actions are almost always effected by how it affects others and he places a premium in his decision making on what it will mean to someone else. Sometimes this clouds his judgment.

And then there is Captain Kirk. He is the balance point to both Spock and Bones. Where they are metaphorical extremes, he is the metaphorical center point, making decisions considerate of both emotion and logic. Captain Kirk is the model of how our brain is supposed to work. He is passionate and emotionally engaged with his crew and friends but able to make the "tough" decisions when necessary. He is able to engage both his "emotional brain" and his "thinking brain". One does not dominate the other and his decisions are better, more likely to be the right one because he is using his whole brain to make the call.

Which character do you identify with? Consider your important, significant relationships and assess if you are more of a Spock or a Bones. Maybe Captain Kirk describes you. More likely, we find that we can be all three depending on the circumstance. Try and observe in what situations you are more likely to be emotionally engaged and calmly considering options like Captain Kirk. What circumstance brings out the "Bones" in you where emotional expression dominates? When are you primarily considering the facts regardless of its affect on others?

Work on becoming more aware of what circumstances and contexts bring out which Star Trek character. It is in those circumstances where a Bones or Spock dominates that we have growing to do. When Captain Kirk shows up, we have learned that we can both emotionally connect and thoughtfully consider options to make sound judgments.

Compassion and Betrayal

We all know that those closest to us are the ones that can hurt us. The members of our family or our spouse are those with whom we are most vulnerable and therefore most exposed to being disappointed. When we are vulnerable we open ourselves by letting down our guard and allowing those who love us to be close. What our family or loved ones say and do to or about us has an impact on us; they have the power to affect us. Being hurt by a loved one is like a dog lying on its back, wagging its tail anticipating its belly being rubbed or scratched and instead it gets picked up by its paws and thrown across the room. The dog was calmly and restfully expecting love and affection and instead is assaulted. Sometimes we treat the ones we love just like that. We cause one another to suffer.

One of the definitions of betrayal is to cause suffering. Betraying someone is to turn someone over to suffering. Contrast that with the definition of compassion. It means to suffer with someone. If we cause someone we love to suffer by how we treat them then we are betraying them. If we enter into someone's suffering then we are being compassionate with them. In families, marriages and other intimate relationships we often find ourselves betraying in one context and offering compassion in another. Our betrayer can also become our source of compassion and vice-versa. This is a characteristic that make relationships so difficult and confusing. It will take some effort of reassurance before the dog you threw across the room will let you scratch his belly again. The only way to do this is to offer compassion, to enter into and own the suffering you caused.

I have often thought about Judas and why he hung himself. He betrayed Jesus turning him over to suffering. The great paradox is that Judas' betrayal brings salvation to those who believe in Jesus. Jesus' death on the cross is God's awesome demonstration of compassion. According to the Bible, he suffered with and for us in order that we might be set free from sin. Our betrayal of Jesus is not too different from Judas' betrayal. We too have turned Him over to suffering because of our sin. But when we receive salvation from the Cross we participate in the compassion of Jesus. We believe that He loves us no matter what we have done. Judas' suicide is a commentary on what happens when we believe compassion is not available for us. If we believe like Judas that we must bear our suffering alone there is no place for suffering to go and it destroys us.

In our intimate relationships we need to understand this relationship between betrayal and compassion. We need to be able to enter into one another's suffering even if we are the cause of that suffering. Being compassionate with one another, being willing to suffer with each other opens up the door to freedom from suffering. Otherwise it will destroy the relationship; just ask the dog.