Antidote for Sexual Brokenness

I listened to a sermon last night at Crossroads Christian Church about sexual brokenness. They had a 25 yr old guest speaker Tony Anderson whose organization Unearthed (http://www.unearthedpictures.org/) is dedicated to addressing the denigration of women by sexual exploitation, including sex trafficking of young girls and boys. He creates videos chronicling sex trafficking and other examples of the sexual exploitation of women and children. You can find examples of this sex industry in every major city in the US. It inflicts horrendous violence and unspeakable evil on a most vulnerable population.

In his presentation he focused on pornography as a root cause of creating an appetite, primarily in men, for using women and children as sex “slaves”. One might wonder why Crossroads had this sermon; not to many, if any, of the men who were in the audience are likely solicitors of sex slaves. But they are likely viewers of pornography. In fact it is estimated that 80% of men have recently viewed pornography in some form. So the seed is being sown and it is becoming, if not already is, an epidemic.

What struck me as I listened is the question of what makes the viewing of pornography so prevalent today? Is it just the easy availability of porn on the internet or are there other forces at work? Watching pornography and using it for sexual stimulation to masturbate is probably something most men(and an increasing number of women) have done at one time or another. Using pornographic material for sexual stimulation is a solitary endeavor; you do not need someone else to experience an orgasm. The important thing to know about an orgasm is that it releases the hormone oxytocin that helps release neurotransmitters that produce the feeling of pleasure and well being associated with an orgasm. Individuals that habitually masturbate are seeking to experience this state again and again and viewing porn helps make that happen.

What makes it a way of life for some and not for others? It seems to me that the ones that find their way out of making it a habit have found a better, more satisfying alternative. That alternative is experiencing a committed, connected relationship to another human being and to God who loves them and they love in return. Every male who struggles with pornography that I have seen in my counseling practice has problems with their human and spiritual relationships. None of them have experienced a satisfying, connected, or attached and secure relationship, They feel to one degree or another disconnected and alone in this world.

It is intriguing that oxytocin is also called the “cuddle” or bonding hormone. Recent neurological studies have documented that oxytocin is released when we are with those who love us and care for us. We experience a similar feeling of pleasure and well being. It seems plausible then, that secure attachment works as a protective antidote against becoming dependent on pornography and masturbation. We are going to seek relief when we feel alone and disconnected and viewing pornography and masturbating is a quick and easy way to achieve it. What we need to do, and I think what we must do, is seek love.

I believe that what is at the root of this epidemic of sexual brokenness and exploitation, and for that matter any other form of violence, is the absence of love. We must be lovers of others and recipients of love. How safe and secure do you feel in your intimate relationships? How well loved do your children feel? Do they feel safe and secure with you? How about your spouse;do they feel loved, safe and secure? Do you know, not just think, that God loves you? Do you know that you are loved and are you willing to love others? This, and only this, will turn the tide of an epidemic that is threatening to destroy the fabric of our civil society.

At Home in the Wilderness

This past weekend my wife Carolyn and I moved two of our college aged children out of the house. My son, Seth, to Nashville for his junior year and my daughter, Danielle for her freshman year at Western Kentucky. It was a busy weekend and an even busier month. It has been a month closely associated with loss. Along with the kids moving out, my mother passed away this month. She was 94 years old and ready to move on to be with our Lord. Loss is something we do not usually think about until we experience it but maybe we should be more aware that it is part of our every day life.

It has often seemed to me that having a Christian world view means that we exist in a state of loss.
Timothy Keller in The Prodigal God agrees and reading his book reminded me of our existential state of homelessness. I touched on this in my previous blog concerning our fear associated with being homeless. How often do we think of our selves as homeless unless we are literally without a home? And yet according to Scripture we are without a home. Jesus' words: “Foxes have holes, and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no where to lay his head” is a commentary that this life on earth is not our home. It is a central message of the Gospel of Christ that we are lost and then found. But how aware are we of this state of loss, homelessness, and fear? I really do not go around feeling lost and afraid 24/7, until something happens to remind me of it.

Most of us have been homesick at one time or another. My daughter is experiencing a good dose of this at college and it is something she did not expect. Homesickness is that feeling of being “a stranger in a strange land.” Our identity, our sense of security or who we are is very much tied to a feeling of being at home. Jesus' message is that we are not truly at home until we find our home in Him.

Maybe it is because of God's mercy that we are not always aware of our state of homelessness. Most of us have places of refuge where we do feel at home with our families or our spouse. We do have loving relationships that can give us a sense of security, a feeling of belonging. We could not survive a constant state of alone unless we did. But we also need to be reminded of our vulnerable state. My daughter said she did not prepare to miss home. She was caught off guard by feelings of vulnerability and she does not like it. None of us do.

And yet it is probably the best place we can be, knowing our vulnerability so we can know our need for connection. My daughter, like all of us wants to be in control to avoid vulnerability because of feelings of fear associated with it. We spend most of our energy and effort trying to avoid feeling vulnerable and afraid by being in control, in control of our finances, of our relationships, of our career, of every moment of our day. But what would it be like if we embraced our true state of affairs? What if we let ourselves experience our vulnerability and thus our need for security, for one another, for God? I think if would really be good.

I don't know about you, but I always feel safer when I am around someone that is not trying to control everything but is able to live in a place of trust, like Jesus in the wilderness. He believed and trusted in the provision of the Father in spite of his deprivation in the wilderness. In the wilderness, he did nothing, even though he could, to provide for himself, to control his environment or even get out of it: “It is not good to live on bread alone, but by every word that proceeds form the mouth of God.”

Maybe an awareness that we live in a wilderness of homelessness helps us live a life of vulnerability to one another and to God. It forces us to confess our need, to turn to each other and to God and thus to discover that we never really are alone and on our own.

Finding Home

One of the fundamental themes running through Scripture is that we are not fully at home in this life on earth. We are “aliens and strangers on earth” (Hebrews 11:13). In the creation account of Genesis, we are told that we were created to live in The Garden of Eden with God. It also tells us that we lost it because of sin. We lost our home. This is our condition, we are strangers in a strange land; we do not have a secure sense of being home. Home is a place of knowing we belong, that we are safe and secure. Home is a place that we know we are loved, accepted and understood. Not having a home is to be in a state of fear; we are alone and on our own. Because we do not have a home we are driven by fear, everything we do are attempts to escape fear. This causes us to strive to have control over our life in hopes that we can manage our fear. It is ironic that our loss of home and our state of fear originated in Adam and Eve's desire to be their own master. They were tempted by the lie that they could “be like god”, to be in control and as a result of their sin they, and we, lost our home; and so we live a life driven by fear and attempts to gain control in order to escape fear based living.

But we are not without hope, we are not fully abandoned. We see this in Genesis when God expelled Adam and Eve from his Presence, he did not send them out naked, a state that represents vulnerability without protection. The biblical account tells us that “he clothed them” in animal skins. He provided them with a measure of protection, a symbol that he limited his rejection of them. They were not fully alone and on their own; he was and is still available to us.

Tom Keller in his brilliant book The Prodigal God, sees two paths of fear based living, a path of self discovery and individual fulfillment and one of moral conformity and self control. A path focused on pleasing ourselves and one of pleasing someone else; both paths put us in control. They are represented, respectively, by the younger son and the elder son of the parable found in Luke 15:11-32. Keller interprets this parable as a homecoming not only for the younger son, but for the elder son as well. It is a homecoming humanity,. This story is usually presented as one about a son, who “was lost and has now been found”. But Keller believes it is really about the “Prodigal God” who is a reckless and extravagant giver of all he has, which is what prodigal means, “to spend recklessly.” He is a God, Father, who recklessly gives all he has in sacrificial love in order for his lost children to return home.

If the Genesis account of creation is true representation of our condition, and I believe it is, then we are all on a journey to find our way to the home we have lost, a home where we are loved, accepted, and understood. A home where we can find our true identity and purpose, a home where we are free from fear. But what is this “home” and what is it like? Keller, with brilliant insight, sees that it is the father in the parable who shows us. It is the love of the father, his love for his sons and his desire for them to be with him that motivates everything he does. Nothing more, nothing less, he simply loves his sons and wants them to be with him.

When we think about what matters most to us what comes to mind? I mean when we get right down to it what is most important? We all know on some level, some more aware than others, that what really matters to us is to know that we are not alone. We need and want someone to love us and for us to love someone; for someone to be there for us, no matter what, someone we can depend upon to always love us and whom we can love in return. This is home; home is love. The only thing it costs us is giving upon our attempts to be in control.

There is another aspect about the two sons in the story and what they have to say about our return home to love. The younger was willing, even desperate to give up control, he came to realize his need for home, for love, so he humbled himself and came home. The elder son was no where near this realization and he angrily denounced his father's welcoming of the younger son. He is totally unaware of his need and is desperate to be in control. So there are these two dynamics at work, an acute, even desperate desire to give up control or to be in control. Which one is it for you?

3 August, 2011 16:53

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