Why the Vow?

I am a child of the sixties, which makes me a baby boomer, and ever since my high school and college years there seems to have been a concentrated push in our society for individual freedom. I used to be a devout follower of individual freedom until I realized how personally and socially damaging it is to follow your own way. I hurt myself and I definitely hurt other people. At the time, I never really thought about “following individual freedom'', I was just living like most everyone I knew was living.. Most of us, when we are followers of individual freedom do not think of ourselves as selfish; we are living for a greater cause: “individual freedom”, an American ideal, the right to live our way. We only see our selfishness in the wake of debris we leave behind in the damage we have done in others lives. I think it is a fundamental problem that plaques many of our societal problems today. It certainly is part of the struggle to redefine marriage and undermine its purpose and meaning.

David Blankenhorn in The Future of Marriage frames this struggle as “marriage as an individual matter” vs. “marriage as a social institution”. He describes this fundamental change in how many Americans view the meaning of marriage as the rise in the belief that the couple comes before the vow. This, of course, is individual freedom at its finest; rather than anything being greater than me, or us, such as marriage having a greater purpose and meaning to have and raise children so that our species thrives, is replaced with what ever we decide is meaningful to “us”. This is so sixties bred; and so destructive to our society! Individual freedom lovers rarely consider what is good for the “other”, like children.

Consider what he says: “On their wedding day (if the vow comes first), couples become accountable to an ideal of marriage that is outside of them and bigger than they are.” This is a profoundly important statement and one that is totally lost on followers of individual freedom: “Something is bigger, more important, and outside of me? There is no way I am going to be accountable, allow something to influence and inform me on how to live.” This perspective does not allow the vow, the promise of committed love, safety, protection, and help to one another to influence and shape the relationship. There is nothing for the relationship to hold on to, to count on, to depend on, to turn to; it is whatever seems right, or expedient, or pertinent to the moment or the need. There is no bearing, no guidance, just....whatever!

The thing that followers of this way fail to realize is that not only is this destructive, it is an incredibly lonely place to be. You are on your own making all your own decisions. The wisdom from an institution like marriage that has developed over 5,000 years is unavailable. It is all up to me, or the two of us. All because we want our own way. I don't know about you, but I want others with me along the way. It is fraught with challenges and dangers that we are not prepared to deal with alone. This truly is a madness of our age when we think we know better than something that has stood the test of time.

Father/Son Roadtrip

I recently took my son Seth on a music school audition trip to Nashville. We live in Lexington, Ky so the drive usually takes about 3 ½ hours. Seth is a great kid, he has a kind, gentle heart, just like his mother. I love his mind probably because it reminds me of myself. Seth thinks, really thinks about things. I love that. He and I can have great discussions about life, literature, contemporary events, and of course music. He knows a lot about music; I don't but like most younger people that listen to blues, jazz, and rock he enjoys the music of my era, the sixties and seventies. I do know something about that music so we have a lot to talk about and listen to.

For the round trip to Nashville and back of 7 hours we listened to Herbie Hancock, John Coltrane, Stevie Wonder, and Frank Zappa. A lot of Frank Zappa. Most of you have probably never heard of Frank Zappa. I asked an older gentlemen at a convenience store in Bardstown, Ky if he knew that Frank Zappa drank gallons of coffee every day. Frank Zappa was not an illegal substance abuser but he definitely abused caffeine. The guy looked at me with a blank, confused expression. I told him it really didn't matter if he knew who Frank Zappa was but since we were talking about how much coffee we all drink I thought it was relevant. Apparently, he didn't.

Seth and I talked about Frank Zappa's lack of drug abuse. He was unlike probably every other music performer of that era. Drugs and alcohol seem to go with being musicians of the kind of music we both like. Listen to Frank Zappa's music some time; you will have a hard time believing he was not on some illegal substance; some of it is pretty bizarre stuff. And yet Zappa was one of the most talented and innovative musicians of his time.

I love talking with Seth about music, not so much because it's music but because it is his passion. I am so thankful he has passion. I can help nurture this passion he has for performing and becoming a musician. What an honor and a blessing it is for a father to help his son nurture his passion. The operative word here is “his” passion. My passion would have been for Seth to be a great swimmer (he could have been but he hated competitive swimming, told me at 15 he was done). Like all parents, and maybe especially fathers, I had to learn to start following my son in his direction rather than do the directing. Hard lesson for an aggressive ex football player like me. I am used to making things happen. It has been good for me to learn to follow Seth's passion. It has helped me learn to be a better servant and I think a better father. At least that is what Seth told me. “Good trip Dad”, he said, “really good father-son bonding time”. Music to my ears!

What Is Marriage Anyway?

I am reading David Blankenhorn's book The Future of Marriage, a self bought Christmas present. It is a timely read in light of California's Proposition 8, that defines marriage as only between a man and a woman, constitutional challenge in federal court.

Articles are appearing in the media regarding this, including one by Edwin Meese, President Reagan's former Attorney General, http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/11/opinion/11meese.html and one by Terry Jeffrey, a conservation columnist  http://townhall.com/columnists/TerryJeffrey/2010/01/13/do_three_people_have_a_right_to_marry_each_other.   Both of these articles support the traditional definition of marriage that Proposition 8 upholds.

The Future of Marriage is a worth reading if you are interested in understanding what in the world all the fuss is about as to why we have to have  statewide propositions or constitutional challenges on what marriage is.  The fuss is whether we get to define marriage any way we want to, to whatever particular individual preference we have, or whether marriage is a standard greater than our individual preferences that affirms the historical  basic organization of society, the family as a mother and a father for every child.  As Mr. Blankenhorn eloquently, gently, and completely without gay bashing presents; marriage is between a man and a women because every society in the last five thousand years has figured out it is best for our children to have both a father and a mother.  And because it is best for children it is best for that particular culture's ability to survive and thrive.

It is apparent, as Mr. Blankenhorn repeatedly points out, that those of us who are married  have done plenty on our own to punch holes in providing children with both a father and a mother in the same home.  We really don't need any more help hurting our children by being unable to live together and raise them together.  Many heterosexuals live by the premise that my life is my own and I can define it anyway I want and if my partner, spouse, or whom ever I am with, can no longer agree on how to define it together, then we can just move on.  It is all about me.

This is an age old battle between self will and a will or purpose that is greater than ourselves.  The legal battle over Proposition 8, or the battle that homosexuals are waging for acceptance in society via marriage, or any other battle that pits individuals ability to define standards any way that suits them over and against an external standard that is there because it is the best bet for our "pursuit of  (personal and individual) happiness",  is really a struggle over what is good for us.

What is good for us is learning to live for someone and something greater and other than ourselves.  The most destructive thing we can do to ourselves and to others is to live as if our life is our own.  We must learn to balance the freedom of individual choice with what is good for us individually and as a society.