Love Matters

David Benner in Surrender to Love says "the deepest ache of the soul is the spiritual longing for connection and belonging. No one was created for isolation." He then says we attempt to compensate for our isolation through "people, possessions, and accomplishments." That is, we attempt to soothe the pain of separation with the balm of earned recognition from what others think of us, from what we have, and from what we do. This never fully satisfies the ache because it does not address the fundamental problem of feeling separated and alone.

How many of us believe this is our problem? Do you feel isolated or do you know in your heart that you are loved, valued, and cherished? That you are or have been the recipient of another's time, attention, and concern where you are more important to them than they are to themselves? This is the cure for the ache of isolation. It is love.

If the answer to that question is "no" or "I don't know" then you probably question the power of love in your life. You experience a restlessness and agitation that might not always be visible but runs in the background like a computer virus gumming up the works and slowing down the system. Dr. Benner asserts that "to be human is to have been designed for intimate relationship with the Divine". I believe he would also agree that to be human is to have been designed for intimate relationship with one another. That is, there are two great love relationships we must fully experience to be as we are designed to be; the love of our creator and the love of one another. The great commandments of the scriptures are to love God with all of your self and to love one another as your self. This is the dynamic of the cross, vertical relationship with God and horizontal relationship with one another. If the death and resurrection of Jesus are true, then this dynamic dance is foundational to who we are. If we are not participating in both movements of this great dance of love we are going to experience that virus of never being fully comfortable in our own skin.

One of the paradoxes of love is that you cannot fully love another without being fully loved yourself. One might think that would encourage a focus on self, but the paradox is that we only become truly unselfish when we have been totally and unconditionally loved. 1 John 4:19 says we love because He first loved us. Because we have been loved, because we know the reality and power of love in our life, we are able to love ourselves and others. It is when we have not experienced the wonderful and joyous presence of love that we become consumed with a self trying to find satisfaction and contentment in a disconnected world. The first order of business then is to be loved. But of course that is not up to us and that is where we become trapped in the striving to earn love. We know we need it, we have not experienced it, our soul aches for it, so we push to find it.

There is another verse in 1 John 4 that is rather startling and illuminating. Verse 10 says "This is love: not that we love God but that He loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." It is not about what we do, it is about the love God has for us. We are all so driven by the failures of love in our life that we have great difficulty wrapping our souls around the fact that God loves us. This is the nature of love, this is the nature of God, to love us; He cannot not love us. We are loved and once we fully wake up to this fact life becomes a lot easier and simpler; the only thing that really matters is love.

Are you standing in the ballroom watching others dance, maybe resenting the joy on their faces? Do you believe that the dance of love does not include you? This is the ache of your soul yearning for connection and belonging. Listen to it as an invitation to the dance. We all have the same need and you will be welcomed. God loves you.

 

The Scaffold of Relationship

Preparing for a seminar on "How to Connect in the Middle of a Fight", I have been considering a couple of movies that might have good examples of Attachment issues. I am looking for brief segments that capture the essence of the movement of our attachment dance. Sometimes it is much easier to see the dance of relationship than it is to listen to someone describe it. Two movies came to mind, The Story of Us and Kramer vs. Kramer, both movies about a couple struggling with their marriage and the effect it has on their family. In Kramer vs. Kramer there is a wonderful presentation of a father and son bonding after the wife and mother leave. You can see the movement of an unattached and emotionally clueless husband and father learning to connect with his son who has been abandoned by his mother, and come to terms with his role in losing his wife. (If you are offended by a few expletives or nudity do not watch either movie but I hope you do watch them.)

Sue Johnson, in her book Hold Me Tight makes a compelling point that attachment needs are "absolute", meaning fundamental to who we are and how we are designed. That is, our hardware won't operate to its full potential, and is often damaged, without the software system of human bonding. "Attachment is the bottom line, the scaffold on which other elements (of a relationship like sex, caretaking, play, work, etc.) are built. Without secure, safe and bonded relationships, especially during childhood, but also in adulthood, we will not have fully satisfying personal relationships or develop into fully functioning human beings.

Dustin Hoffman, the father in Kramer vs. Kramer makes the journey with his son that Dr. Sue Johnson describes as necessary for creating such relationships: "To achieve a lasting loving bond, we have to be able to tune in to our deepest needs and longings and translate them into clear signals that help our lovers respond to us. We have to be able to accept love and to reciprocate. Above all, we have to recognize and accept the primal code of attachment rather than attempting to dismiss and bypass it. In many love relationships, attachment needs and fears are hidden agendas, directing the action but never being acknowledged. It is time to acknowledge these agendas so that we can actively shape the love we so badly need. "

Like many of us, Dustin Hoffman's character has very little idea of his significant longings and needs but when thrust into caring for his son he chooses to care. He accepts "the primal code of attachment" and does not dismiss or run from it. Refusing to abandon his son, he learns what love is and how to love. There is a remarkable scene where his son falls off a jungle gym and busts his face. His father was attuned to the danger, tried to prevent it and then runs with his son in his arms to the emergency room, refusing to leave him during his treatment. Contrast these scenes with earlier ones of his hapless attempts to care for his son. He becomes a likable, compassionate human being who is there for his son. It is a journey and transformation we all must make to become fully human.

Many of us, particularly men, might question Mr. Kramer's manhood or challenge how important all this really is. His boss certainly does. He is an example of dismissing the basic need of relationship; he is attached to his career. Learning to acknowledge our attachment needs and fears in an open and responsive manner is not emotional sentimentalism. It is rather recognizing that we need the basic scaffold in place in order to build an enduring structure. Without the basic structure of knowing ourselves and facing our fears, being able to communicate and ask for what we need, and being vulnerable enough to receive what we need, we will continue to experience disappointment and failure in our intimate and meaningful relationships. In other words, we will continue to experience disappointment and dissatisfaction with life.

There are many examples that I can give of when I "dismissed and bypassed" my basic need for close, safe, and bonded relationship. I put many other things first, like success, career, sensual enjoyment, demanding my own way, or preferring to be alone. Like Mr. Kramer, my children have taught me to pay attention to building the scaffold of relationship for enduring and rewarding attachments. There is nothing more enduring, more powerful, than an attached relationship. It is something that we all hunger for and what we commonly name love. Do you know your hunger or do you dismiss or deny it?