Easter Reflection

Easter is the most important, significant, and meaningful remembrance of Jesus. And yet it receives much less publicity and celebration than Christmas. This might be because generally it is much easier for us to become excited and celebrate a baby's birth than a man's murder. The birth of a baby is also common to human experience; crucifixion thankfully is not. People can get excited about buying gifts for each other and our economy has grown dependent on the spending that goes on during the Christmas season. There are lots of reasons that Christmas gets more press than Easter, not the least of these is getting our arms around Jesus' resurrection from the dead. And yet Easter is the religious ceremony of the Christian faith. As Paul suggests, without Easter, we have no Christian faith.

Easter helps us remember and celebrate the greatest expression of God's love. I cannot do justice to such a subject in such a short space, but we cannot separate Jesus' resurrection from his crucifixion. His death and rising are the heart of the Christian experience. One deals with sin and the other with a new order of creation. Dr. Robert Mulholland, a New Testament scholar at Asbury Theological Seminary, calls it "God's cruciform love". Simply, God's being cannot do anything else but crucify himself on our behalf so that we might participate in His nature. In other words, God created us to be with Him so He removes what separates us from Him.

In my last blog, I quoted Thomas Merton that at its root sin is a failure to love. God never sins and always loves; it is who He is. In another blog, I quoted Henri Nouwen that love means "intimacy, closeness, mutual vulnerability and a deep sense of safety". While there is a tremendous amount that can be said about what love is, this definition captures the relational aspect of love. Easter reminds us that God has made an open door to participate in His love. He has made it possible for us to be intimate, close, vulnerable and safe with Him and therefore with each other. Easter affirms that God is love and that His love is the greatest force imaginable that it raises the dead. His love gives new life where there is no life.

Please consider where in your life there is deadness or failure to demonstrate love. Who are you struggling to love? Does your marriage feel dead? Does fear dominate your relationships and your life? Do others feel unsafe with you? Do you believe that you don't need others? Do you think that you have to live life manipulating and maneuvering to get what you need? All of these are failures to love; please consider that God gives new life where there is none. Easter reminds us that nothing is hopeless, nothing is dead forever. Celebrate Easter in your life!

Considering Sin

This is the week of Easter, what is sometimes referred to as Passion or Holy Week. It is when Christians remember in a variety of ways Jesus' death on the Cross, our Lord's answer to the problem sin. It is fitting that last week the Vatican released an expansion of the seven deadly sins (http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/03/13/new.sins/?iref=mpstoryview) that reflect our technological and scientific advancements like genetic manipulation or ruining the environment. It is a good time to reflect on and consider what sin is.

In one of the readings my wife Carolyn is doing for her daily devotional, something she is admirably faithful about, she commented on a sentence that struck her: "…all sin is, at its root, a refusal to love." (Lent and Easter Wisdom from Thomas Merton). In today's relativistic, postmodern world where like trash, one person's sin may be another person's virtue, I wonder if "sin" is even a word that has any meaning. Significantly and thankfully, I am apparently wrong. According to Ellison Research (http://ellisonresearch.com/releases/20080311.htm) 87% of Americans, whether religiously involved or not, believe in the concept of sin defined as "something that is almost always considered wrong, particularly from a religious or moral perspective." In a list of thirty behaviors and activities ranked as sinful, adultery tops the list with 81% agreement. I wonder what kind of list would be formulated when sin is defined as a refusal to love instead of something that is considered morally wrong. I am afraid for me it would be a very long list of daily offenses.

I believe most of us think that we would never refuse to love. How could we imagine doing such a thing? It is not too difficult for me to think of myself as someone who can and has sinned but I do not like considering myself as someone who refuses to love. This makes me question what love is. It raises questions like what does refusing to love look like. When and where am I refusing to love? How do I know if I truly loving someone? What does refusing to love have to do with genetic manipulation or even adultery? If I am willing to love does that make me free from sinning?

The Bible tells us that Jesus' death on the Cross is God's love in action (John 3:16). It tells us that God is love and that Jesus is the perfect picture of love (1 John 3:16). And this same verse tell us what our love needs to look like, being willing to give up our lives for one another. This should sound familiar; this is what Jesus did for us on the Cross. Apparently, we are to do the same thing for each other. The root of sin, then is being unwilling to put others first. How simple and how difficult this is.

Real Help for Marriages

I am experiencing the privilege of having conversations with Dr. Sharon Hart May, the author of books on safe haven marriages. Her latest book, How to Argue So Your Spouse Will Listen is one I give to every couple I counsel. My conversations by teleconference are focusing on EFT or Emotionally Focused Therapy, an approach to marriage counseling developed by Drs Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg. A substantial body of research outlining the effectiveness of EFT now exists. Research studies find that 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery and approximately 90% show significant improvements. The only situation in which EFT is not indicated is on-going violence in the relationship. EFT is being used with many different kinds of couples in private practice, university training centers and hospital clinics and many different cultural groups. These distressed couples include partners suffering from disorders such as depression, post traumatic stress disorders and chronic illness. I have found this approach to be remarkably effective with couples I see and can affirm that my experience with EFT is consistent with the research results. This method really helps couples.

I have over twenty-five years of experience with couples and marriage. I am a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy and have taken numerous courses and workshops on how to help couples stay married and most of them have a documented success rate of around 35%. (One notable exception is Dr. John Gottman's work). I cannot express how frustrating and sad it is to watch couples make a decision to separate and divorce. I almost quit seeing couples who were in distress because I knew how unhelpful traditional marriage counseling was with true and meaningful results. I no longer feel that way and am now confident that with God and this method I can help any couple who desires to stay together or reconnect.

I do not make this statement lightly. I know it is bold. The couples that find their way to my office are in significant distress. There typically has been an affair or some other major betrayal or traumatic experience that severely stresses the relationship bond. There is great emotional pain present but the tools and means are available to help them restore, redeem, and transform their relationship and grow into loving union. I am humbled and grateful to participate in such a thing as this. Please tell any couple who is experiencing marital difficulties that real hope is available.

May Blessings Be in Your Day

Yes to Love No To Fear

I love (no pun intended) this quote from Henri Nouwen (a well known and respected Catholic theologian and spiritual director) about what love means: "Love means intimacy, closeness, mutual vulnerability, and a deep sense of safety." Obviously, I do not feel close to or intimate with his quote so my use of "love" is more about how much I like his quote. We use "love" to describe how we feel about so many different things, like "I love Coke," etc. that the word loses its power when we use it to describe how we feel about the person we love. Mr. Nouwen is using this to describe how we should be with God when we say He loves us and we love him. It is also how we should be with our spouse and best friend.

He goes on to say: "But all of those are impossible as long as there is fear. Fear creates suspicion, distance, defensiveness, and insecurity." Again, Mr. Nouwen is speaking in reference to fearing God but the same holds true for our intimate relationships. We cannot love God or one another if "fear" is at work in our relationships. You probably do not think of the word "fear" in reference to your spouse unless you are in an abusive relationship. But when you apply the words "suspicion, distance, defensiveness, and insecurity" how well do they fit? Or the converse; is your marriage or love relationship a place of "intimacy, mutual vulnerability, and a deep sense of safety"?

The amazing thing is this, both in our relationship with God and with each other, that if we know someone loves us, if our answer is yes to love and no to fear, then we are able to tolerate seemingly unbearable stress. We may experience significant conflict with our spouse, parent or friend or go through excruciating challenges, but if we know that at the end of the day, they love us, desire us, want to be close to us, honest and open with us, and genuinely care about our welfare, then the relationship is secure and we are secure.

Are you saying yes to love and no to fear? If not, your relationship is in trouble and it will not stand up to the challenges and stress of life. The good news is it does not have to remain that way. Begin working to eliminate the causes of fear in your relationships and allow the power of love to work its magic.