Dramatic Improvement

I visited my website recently and was struck by the word transform. I was impressed by this because I know I do not have the power to transform anything. I hope I have not given the wrong impression and promise something that I cannot deliver. There is change in many of the people I work with in counseling. There sometimes is transformation, which means to "change something dramatically, especially improving…" Often there is not dramatic change but improvement. But I am confident that seeds are planted that may lead to transformation, that is to dramatic improvement.

Transform can also mean "to change completely for the better". Complete change, dramatic change, this is describing change that is obvious. These are powerful statements of what many people hunger for; it is something you and someone else can notice like when the stock market increases by three or four hundred points in one day or you lose 30 or 50 lbs and the change is obvious, and better. You don't look like the same person. You are dramatically and completely different, in a better way.

Have you had an experience of transformation in your life? Have there been occasions or experiences of your life becoming completely different and better? As I look back over my life I see profound and dramatic change that warrants use of the word transformed. I am completely and dramatically different and better from the person I used to be. An important variable is "as I look back". Becoming a transformed person is not like the stock market where dramatic change happens in a day or even a few hours. Becoming a transformed person is a process or journey with dramatic or meaningful occurrences along the way that have a cumulative, life changing effect over time.

Transformation is possible. What experiences have you had that have contributed to your transformation? Who were the significant people involved? How have you dramatically or completely improved?

Faithfulness

I sit with many couples that have gone through adultery, or in the modern vernacular, "having an affair". The terms don't exactly mean the same thing. One of the definitions of affair in the dictionary is "a sexual relationship between two people not married to each other." Adultery on the other hand is defined as "voluntary sexual relations between a married person and somebody other than his or her spouse." Technically, having an affair does not necessarily carry the weight of betrayal associated with adultery. And betrayal is a heavy weight to carry.

Another term for such behavior is infidelity. I think this definition captures the event in more descriptive and accurate language: "unfaithfulness or disloyalty, especially to a sexual partner." Interestingly, infidelity is also defined as disbelief or "the absence of religious belief"; thus the term "infidel" or nonbeliever. The authors of the Old Testament would often describe the Israelites who turned away from God toward pagan gods as adulterers. They were disloyal and unfaithful to the covenant they had made with Him. He was to be there God and they were to have no other god before Him. A marriage is a similar covenant between two people. We are to be faithful to one another, and not just sexually.

Problems with faithfulness begin way before sexual unfaithfulness occurs. Infidelity may happen often and in many ways other than committing adultery and we need to guard our faithfulness and loyalty to our mate. When we are unfaithful or disloyal to our mate we betray them, just like we betray our Lord when we are unfaithful to him. Heavy stuff if you're not an infidel!

What does it mean to be faithful to your mate? One place to begin is to pay attention to how you think about, view, and treat your mate. How faithful are you to one another in the little things? Do you respect what they desire even if it seems silly to you? Do you defend one another and stand up for each other in the face of criticism or attack? Does your mate know that you are there for them no matter what, or do they wonder if they have to stand on their own? Can your mate trust your word; your promise to do what you say you will do? If you ask your mate: "Do you believe, know that I am on your side; that I stand with you through thick and thin (or sickness and health) and will never leave you", how do you think they will answer?


Emotionally Hijacked

Do you wonder how all of sudden you are in an argument that you did not see coming? You are upset and agitated before you know it and embroiled in a disagreeable disagreement with someone you love. Literally, you can be having a casual conversation and within milliseconds you're in emotional turmoil. To borrow a phrase from Dr. Sharon May, you have been hijacked by your emotional brain. This happens when you perceive a particular situation to be threatening or stressful and your emotional brain kicks in gear taking out your prefrontal cortex or thinking brain. We are created to react rapidly when confronted with threatening situations and thinking slows our reaction time down.

This works great when you are confronted with a real physical threat and you either run (flee), attack (fight), or stand like a doe in headlights (freeze). You are dealing with danger in an adaptive, life preserving manner. The challenge for our relationships is we also react this way when we are confronted by what we perceive as emotional threats, and that is a different flavor for each one of us. Dr. Joseph Le Doux from the Center for Neural Science at New York University has mapped out what parts of the brain are affected by information coming in from our senses and obviously how we perceive what we are taking in is critical to which "brain" reacts, our "thinking/reflecting" brain or our "emotional/reacting " brain.

We are in an argument before we know it, and depending on how each of us responds determines how long or intense the argument is. We are all different, with different histories and temperaments that affect how we react. For those of us who are "quick responders" we need to learn how to slow our system down and engage our thinking brain. We can escalate a disagreement to proportions not expected and the argument quickly becomes something no one wants.

Interestingly, even the "slow responders" who remain calm on the outside are reacting exactly the same way on the inside by either freezing or fleeing. These folks are the ones that shut down and withdraw during conflict. The important point is that while they may seem reasonable and in control, their thinking/reflecting brains are not engaged so problem solving and compromise cannot occur.

For either type of "responder" the situation and person are not safe so self preservation not communication and reconciliation is the rule of the day. It is only when our thinking/reflecting brains are processing information that we can work through our differences. We must work to make one another feel safe; then we can connect and communicate.

Pay attention to what trips your trigger and how you react. Learn to distinguish between your emotional responses and your more calm thoughtful ones. Allow each other to come back to level before reengaging and trust that your loved one is not the enemy.