Men and women are different. Anyone who has been in a heterogeneous relationship knows this. In fact, the word heterogeneous means exactly this; "consisting of parts or aspects that are unrelated or unlike each other." No wonder marriage can be so difficult! The way a man and woman argue is one specific way that we are different. Dr. John Gottman, a marital researcher has documented the different physiological reactions of men and women during an argument. Because our marriage, and any other significant relationships where there is an emotional bond or attachment, is critically important to our well being our stress response is triggered when the relationship is threatened. And men and women respond to this threat in radically different ways.
Dr. Gottman found that most men, in the midst of an argument where they are feeling pursued and attacked, or cornered, react as though their wife is a real physical threat. We men tend to gear up to physically defend ourselves like we would if we had to battle a lion or a warrior. Due to higher levels of testosterone, men's physiological arousal is one of heightened vigilance, increased heart rate and blood pressure. We are physically ready for war. Not exactly conducive for resolving an emotional conflict; we are not looking for a hug and an "I'm sorry honey, I really didn't mean that"! At the moment, and for a significant period of time thereafter, men are not physically able to respond in an emotionally connective way.
Amazingly, our heterogeneous other is able to do that. Women have higher levels of the hormone oxytocin, the bonding hormone. When experiencing similar relational stress, women are more inclined to socialize and nurture, not fight. Their natural tendency is to want to connect and give care so they pursue and persist. In the midst of an emotional conflict woman are wired with a greater ability to calm themselves. Men, on the other hand, take longer to settle down and usually need separation and space to do that.
If your spouse, most likely your husband, responds to emotional stress like a lion is about to devour him, then give him time and space to settle down. There is a critical condition to allowing this disengagement; there must be agreement to return and engage at a later time. Many couples will simply remove themselves and ignore what went on because experience tells them the same cycle will repeat. This is disastrous for the long term health of your relationship and you must develop the skills and resources to comfort and connect in the midst of conflict. Appreciating the different ways men and women are created can make a huge difference in accomplishing that.
What is one of the most, if not the most important aspect of your life? What is it that if you have this day in and day out you will be more likely to live longer, stay healthy, and feel satisfied with life? It is a successful marriage. Research study after study supports that married people live longer, get sick less often, have more economic resources, and feel more satisfied with life. This does not mean that single people are left out of the party. It is apparent that single individuals who have a significant community of intimate relationships where they are known, loved, and supported fare very well. It is social, emotional separation and isolation that is so destructive to our well being; and we can experience this even if we are married.
We are designed for relationships, and just like a virus on a computer, a bad relationship makes our system run poorly. What constitutes a bad relationship? The virus in our significant relationships is lack of emotional connection. According to Attachment theory, we were designed with a biological, emotional, and behavioral attachment system; included in that design is an emotional thermostat that monitors and attempts to correct the virus of emotional disconnection, just like virus detection software on our computers.
What is the most disrupting influence on how your day goes? When you are experiencing difficulties in your married or family life that set off your emotional thermostat how well do you concentrate and perform that day? Are you not distracted by intrusive thoughts and feelings that pull at you like a boat pulling a water tube? If you have ever been or seen "tubing" you know what I mean. The motorboat pulls and jerks and flips you around. You are hanging on for dear life trying not to let the boat operator toss you off. When there is emotional disconnection from your intimate partner who you look to for comfort, support, understanding, acceptance and appreciation, it causes an emotional "water tubing" effect of separation and isolation.
Most of us will do most anything to get off the emotional "water tube" and reconnect. We instinctively know that we perform better when we are connected so we work to restore the disconnection to our mate or significant other. Try paying attention to your emotional thermostat and how it affects you when you feel threatened in your significant relationships. When you feel disconnected and separated from them, notice how this affects you. You will become more aware of how important such relationships are and how much we need each other to live as we are designed to live.
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There are moments of grace in our lives that we can witness if we are willing to ask, seek, and listen. A client of mine recently related such a moment in his life. He had come to see me because he felt stuck and frustrated with the behavior of his spouse. It is the kind of situation that often comes up in counseling where there is no obvious answer. If there had been counseling would not have been necessary.
In such situations I often make the obvious but not often relied upon suggestion that he ask what God has to say about the situation. I usually make this suggestion when an answer or direction is not clear to me either. So basically, I am asking for help. It is really nice to have God as your co-Counselor.!
This suggestion is not often relied upon because most people do not expect God to talk to them. Fortunately, this person does. He knows that God loves him and cares for him and will not leave him or forsake him. This is powerful knowledge. A person with that kind of faith is more in need of safe place to talk about their life than receive formal counseling. They often just need to be pointed in the right direction or reminded of what they already know.
This simple suggestion of asking a person of faith to turn to God for help opened the door to a perspective that my client needed. Because he believes that God does communicate with His creatures he was expectantly looking for a response. He found one and he was comforted.
His moment of grace, that moment or occasion when a power full of love and other and greater than yourself meets you in some profound way, happened for him while he was reading his Bible. It was in 2 Kings Chapter 6 where Elisha prayed for his servant's eyes to be opened to the presence of powerful allies surrounding their enemies. It is the difference of looking at difficult situations through the eyes of the natural or eyes of the spirit. My client was comforted with the knowledge that he has help in the midst of a seemingly impossible situation. This comforts me as well and I hope it comforts you.